IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

These days mobile phones and the internet are very important to the ways in which people relate to one another socially. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#phones #internet #people #outweigh
The growth of technology in
this
 modern era brings us to a time where gadgets and the use of the
internet
 are impactful to our social life.
While
 others have strong opinions that these inventions are harmful to the daily basis of human communication, I stand with the points that depict larger views of the benefits of phones and the
internet
. It is understandable that the existence of phones simplifies everything, including the process of making real-life connections,
hence
, people tend to engage less with their hearts and utilize more of their minds in order to get what they want through simple access to socializing.
Moreover
, there is a lot of misuse in the case of social media appliances on a daily basis communication.
For instance
, the accessible smartphones and the
internet
 have created a non-safe place for women
due to
 the high level of people that are committing cyber crimes,
such
 as stalking, online-based sexual assault, and many more.
In contrast
, these smart inventions are more suitable to depict as something beneficial to society. Fewer efforts,
such
 as less money and time to spend, are made
due to
 the convenience of engaging with others, represented by video calls as the standard of these days smartphones.
Besides
, the use of the
internet
 eases us to interact socially with various intentions based on the platform. Take LinkedIn as an example of how cyber communication can be made based on a particular interest, which is job-seeking.
Furthermore
, humans are socially active creatures,
hence
 gadgets and the
internet
 help us with networking. All the arguments elaborate my standpoint that I am convinced with the idea that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of
this
 matter.
Submitted by hunnyfieddd on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
To improve your score in coherence and cohesion, focus on creating a more logical structure in your essay. Your points should flow naturally from one to another, with clear and cohesive links between them. Consider using a wider variety of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly. Additionally, while your introduction and conclusion are present, they could be strengthened by offering a clearer overview of the essay in the introduction and summarizing the main arguments more effectively in the conclusion.
Task Achievement
Regarding task achievement, aim to provide a more complete response to the prompt by fully addressing both the advantages and disadvantages in a balanced way. While you have presented clear and comprehensive ideas, ensure that each argument is well-developed with adequate support. Provide more specific examples to illustrate your points, which can help reinforce your arguments and engage the reader.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: