Today’s children are living under more pressure from the society than children in the past. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

There is no denying the fact that societies create pressure on young
people
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.
While
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it is a commonly held belief that
children
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are experiencing higher stress levels in society, there is
also
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an argument that opposes it. In my view, I believe that societal pressure has significantly increased stress levels among young
people
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and should be addressed more carefully.
To begin
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with,
children
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are more anxious currently
due to
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the high expectations from both their society and parents.
In other words
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, they have to excel in their academic studies
in addition
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to improving extracurricular activities and participating in various activities.
Moreover
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, technology
also
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contributed to their emotional instability.
This
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is because young
people
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have access to social media, where they can find other
children
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’s achievements.
Therefore
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, they are being compared by themselves or by the
people
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around them. In a recent study conducted by The Behaviour Institution, it was found that
children
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now have higher anxiety and depression rates compared to those who lived their childhood in the 90s by approximately 30%.
However
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, most
children
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in the past were expected to handle hard responsibilities. It is
also
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possible to say that they had to work as part-time workers or be involved in their parents’ home businesses.
In addition
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, they had to balance their work tasks with school coursework. The strict system of education and the limited flexibility provided by technology today hinder the learning process and increase the pressure on
children
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. In conclusion,
although
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opinions differ, each generation has its own challenges, but I believe that the increased desire to raise
children
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with different abilities and comparison emerged from social media is extremely increasing the stress on young
people
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.

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task response
Keep a clear yes/no view in the intro and keep to that view in all paragraphs.
coherence
Give one main point per paragraph and explain it with one clear example.
coherence
Avoid too many extra ideas in one paragraph; separate them.
coherence
Use real and simple examples; if you mention a study, say where it comes from or use a general idea.
grammar
Check grammar errors, especially sentences like 'is extremely increasing' and fix to 'is greatly increasing' or 'is making... more stressful'.
strength
Clear stance at the start.
strength
strength
Order of ideas is easy to follow in parts.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example
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