IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many countries aim to provide their living standards by economic development, but some important social values are lost as a results. Do you think advantages of economic development outweight the advantages?

These days,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of countries tend to
reach
Verb problem
achieve
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 impeccability in terms of economy in order to raise the living standards.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 focus is causing loss of cultural values. I strongly believe that the disadvantages are more than
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
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, as
although
Linking Words
 the economic progress offers better lifestyles, it weakens social relevance and
bonds
Use synonyms
 between relatives.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the excessive focus on
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
 undermines the social values.
This
Linking Words
 means that
people
Use synonyms
 start to value materialistic
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
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 over sentimental ones. Since individuals allocate more
time
Use synonyms
 at work to achieve financial independence, they have
minimum
Correct word choice
minimal
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time
Use synonyms
 for family gatherings and public events.
For instance
Linking Words
, in
Uzbekistan
Punctuation problem
Uzbekistan,
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 the importance of Navruz is gradually vanishing, as
people
Use synonyms
 are too busy and consider
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
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as
Change preposition
apply
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a waste of
time
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, the public celebration of it stopped, the large event is now celebrated not as ostentatiously as before,
the
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
 connection in society eroded.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the growth of
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
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 weakens the relationships and social
bonds
Use synonyms
. Today, it is popular to move to
another
Fix the agreement mistake
other
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 cities or even abroad in search of better job opportunities, leaving acquaintances behind.
This
Linking Words
 distance reduces even emotional family
bonds
Use synonyms
 that were considered as strongest bond.
For example
Linking Words
, the elderly
people
Use synonyms
 are left alone by youngsters who focus on shaping their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
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, which leads to separation.
Although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the high salaries and incomes provide comfort,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 cannot replace family
bonds
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, paying too much attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the economic development takes a substantial amount of
time
Use synonyms
 from individuals
leaving
Punctuation problem
, leaving
show examples
 a little
time
Use synonyms
 to connect with society
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it separates
people
Use synonyms
 from their relatives
weakening
Punctuation problem
, weakening
show examples
 the
bonds
Use synonyms
 between them. In my opinion,
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
show examples
 outweigh the advantages.

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development
Add more detail to each point. Give real facts or clear steps that show how economic growth can harm values.
organization
Use more simple link words to show how one idea leads to the next.
language
Check errors in grammar and word use. Some sentences are long or odd in meaning.
structure
Make the end strong. Restate your view and sum up the three main ideas.
content
A clear position is stated.
structure
Two main ideas are given and explained.
format
Introduction and conclusion exist.
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