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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

New technology is changing the way children spend their free time. Do the benefits outweigh the drawbacks?

In recent years, it can be seen that the leisure
time
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 which is spent by
children
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is
Wrong verb form
spend has
show examples
 changed
due to
Linking Words
 new
technology
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.
While
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 it might have some beneficial sides, I strongly argue that the disadvantages outweigh the
advantages
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, as it can cause many mental health problems in kids. On the one hand,
while
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 there might be some benefits of new
technology
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, one of the main
advantages
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 of
this
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 is educational videos and cartoons
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 they can watch on TV in their free
time
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.
For example
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, the Sesame Street cartoon helps
children
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 learn the alphabet, numbers and social skills in a fun way.
Moreover
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, it has
been
Correct word order
also been
show examples
also
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 proven that
children
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 learn easily
as well as
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 effectively when the material is visual.
Therefore
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, considering these factors, cutting-edge technologies can be helpful. Despite the positive sides of
technology
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, the drawbacks are numerous. First of all, whenever
children
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 have leisure
time
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, they spend it playing their mobile games, which can lead to mental health issues.
For example
Linking Words
, many kids are addicted to
play
Wrong verb form
playing
show examples
 games a lot, and some of them can just forget how real life is.
Additionally
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, it is no secret that many
children
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 nowadays are aggressive because of phone games.
Secondly
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, they are becoming isolated
,
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apply
show examples
 because of constant gaming, and they are spending less
time
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 with their friends and siblings. For these reasons, the disadvantages outweigh the benefits. In conclusion,
while
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 it has some
advantages
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 of
technology
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, as it can be educational, the drawbacks overshadow the
advantages
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,
due to
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 mental health problems.

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task response
For task response, you take a clear view and give a sense of both sides. To raise your score, add more real facts and examples, and show more depth about how technology changes time for kids and what it means for their life.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and linking, your ideas go in order, but some sentences are long and hard. Make each paragraph have one main idea. Use simple links like first, also, but, so, therefore to keep flow.
task response
Clear view and stance
coherence and cohesion
Well-structured with intro, body, and conclusion
lexical resource
Reasonable example of Sesame Street used to show effect
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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