IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

Nowadays, the
number
Use synonyms
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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young
adults
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 increasing a
lot
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 the
number
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 has gradually
exceed
Wrong verb form
exceeded
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 the
number
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 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
older people. Someone
think
Correct subject-verb agreement
thinks
show examples
 it is a good condition for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. In my mind, I agree that the larger
nuber
Correct your spelling
number
 of the youth will bring
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 better
occassion
Correct your spelling
occasion
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. The advantages of the large
number
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 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
adults
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 are obvious
in
Change preposition
on
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 some
occassion
Correct your spelling
occasions
. Because
of
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apply
show examples
the
number
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 of young
adults
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Use synonyms
increase
Wrong verb form
has increased
show examples
 a
lot
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, the
Check wording
number workers
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workers of
Correct word order
of workers
show examples
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 factories will
increase
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 a
lot
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. The industries can
develoop
Correct your spelling
develop
 fast,
which
Correct word choice
and
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 the GDP of the
country
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 will grow quickly at the same time. The
economy
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 of the
country
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 will
increase
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 a
lot
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by
Change preposition
with
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 the development of the factories. When the
country
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develop
Correct subject-verb agreement
develops
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, the
walfare
Correct your spelling
welfare
 of the public will be better
by
Change preposition
through
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 the development of the
coutries
Correct your spelling
country
.
For example
Linking Words
, the
number
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 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
adults
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 in China is extremely high in the whole world. The young
adults
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 help to build
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 better
country
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the
economy
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 of China
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increase
Wrong verb form
has increased
show examples
 a
lot
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,
whichcompared
Correct your spelling
compared
 to the past. The
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 of China
also
Linking Words
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better
walfare
Correct your spelling
welfare
 to the public
Linking Words
therefore
Punctuation problem
, therefore
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 the happiness of the public
grow
Correct subject-verb agreement
grows
show examples
 gradually too.
Although
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 the shortage of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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working positions
also
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cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
show examples
 a
lot
Use synonyms
 of serious problems, the problems will improve a
lot
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 in the future. If the
economy
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 of the
country
Use synonyms
 gradually
increase
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, the famous factories will open some subsidiaries. They will
also
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 provide
the
Correct article usage
a
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 large
number
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 of working positions. At the same time, they will bring
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 better
economy
Use synonyms
 and create a virtuous cycle. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 the larger
number
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 of the youth may cause some problems
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the working positions, I believe it can be
deal
Wrong verb form
dealt
show examples
 with.

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planning
Plan your answer before you write. Make a short plan to put the ideas in a good order.
structure
Use a clear main idea in each paragraph. Start with a topic sentence, then add one or two facts or examples.
content
Show both sides. Say what is good and what may be bad, then say why the good side is bigger.
language
Check small words and spell well. Use simple and correct form to avoid errors.
content
Your view is clear and you end with a conclusion.
content
You use an example to support your idea.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
Look at other essays: