IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people think a solution can be to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is well known that in our overconsuming world
obesity
Punctuation problem
, obesity
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had
Wrong verb form
has
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 become an ubiquitous problem. A group of
people
Use synonyms
 believe that limiting access to high-calorie fatty
food
Use synonyms
 by making its price
bigger
Correct word choice
higher
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 can be
solution
Correct article usage
a solution
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 for overweight groups in society. Even though
idea
Correct article usage
the idea
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 is interesting,
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 think that big numbers on a scale
caused
Verb problem
are caused
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 by absolutely different things, and not the price. First of all, for thousands of
years
Add a comma
years,
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 our ancestors ate fatty meats and fat itself to survive.
Average
Correct article usage
The average
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 calorie consumption of a peasant 2 centuries ago was close to 4000 calories per day and contained a lot of fat. It was
due to
Linking Words
 the
hard-working
Replace the word
hard work
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 and
giant
Correct article usage
the giant
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 amount of
labor
Change the spelling
labour
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 every single day. Years have passed
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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most
Correct article usage
the most
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 important thing that happened to humanity is hypodynamia. Comfort gave us a wonderful opportunity to avoid any physical activities and sometimes even walking.
Linking Words
Therefore
Punctuation problem
Therefore,
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 metabolism that didn't change in 200 years started sending
calorie
Correct article usage
a calorie
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 surplus into
a
Correct article usage
apply
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fat, no more sufficient movement to burn energy from
food
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, if we look at Italian
cousine
Correct your spelling
cuisine
, we may think that they must be chubby, since most of the
food
Use synonyms
 they eat is carbs and fats. But the key thing is that they move much more
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 their cities are walkable. There is a concrete correlation between
level
Correct article usage
the level
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 of automobilization and obesity. The
less
Fix the agreement mistake
fewer
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 outdoor activity options a person
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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, the less
chances
Check wording
likely it is
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 that
daily
Correct article usage
the daily
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 goal of moving will be achieved.
Secondly
Linking Words
, skyrocketing the prices for fattening foods will affect everyone else and will cause more harm than benefits. Because a lot of fattening products are very healthy, they are bricks in our metabolism and endocrine systems.
For
Linking Words
example
Punctuation problem
example,
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 red fish and hazelnuts
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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are extremely high
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 calories but
also
Linking Words
 irreplaceable in terms of vitamins and
nutritious
Replace the word
nutrients
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.
Also
Linking Words
, if a person really wants to have something, they'll get it. We have seen it in Europe and Canada with
cigarettes
Punctuation problem
cigarettes,
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 where prices are enormously high
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 smokers are still buying the cigarettes. At the same
time
Punctuation problem
time,
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people
Use synonyms
 who work physically or attend to gym
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 have
a
Correct article usage
the
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 privilege to eat whatever they want just by being active.
Overall
Linking Words
,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 think being overweight
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 nothing to do with
food
Use synonyms
 itself. Most
importantly
Punctuation problem
importantly,
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people
Use synonyms
 should look at their activity
instead
Linking Words
 of counting every calorie. At the same
time
Add a comma
time,
show examples
urbanization
Change the spelling
urbanisation
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 plays a big role in
people
Use synonyms
's body condition
,
Punctuation problem
;
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people
Use synonyms
 from car-dependent cities simply walk less. So
instead
Linking Words
 of making inconveniences with prices,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should focus more on their cities and
people
Use synonyms
 on their
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples

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task response
Use a clear plan: state your view in one sentence, then explain it with two or three simple points.
structure
Have one main idea in each paragraph and start with a simple topic sentence.
cohesion
Link ideas with simple connect words like first, also, but, and finally.
examples
Give a short, clear example for each point and say why it supports your view.
content
The essay shows a clear view that price is not a full fix.
content
The writer uses some facts and ideas to discuss the topic.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • fattening foods
  • calorie-dense
  • healthier food choices
  • taxation
  • economic implications
  • social implications
  • subsidies
  • nutritional education
  • public health campaigns
  • nanny state
  • individual's right
  • consumer behavior
  • preventative measures
What to do next:
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