IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that teenage years are the happiest times of most people's live. Others think that adult life brings more happiness in spite of greater responsibilities. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Nowadays, it is commonly believed that when you are
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
young
Check wording
apply
show examples
age
Use synonyms
, you are in the happiest
time
Use synonyms
 of your
life
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 hold
this
Linking Words
attitude
Punctuation problem
attitude,
show examples
 other
people
Use synonyms
 argue that when you are
in
Use the right word
an
show examples
 adult
age
Use synonyms
 you have more responsibilities and it
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 you happier
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to
Correct pronoun usage
your young
show examples
young
Correct word choice
younger
show examples
Use synonyms
age
Check wording
years
show examples
. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will examine both points of view in depth. From my point of view,
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
age
Use synonyms
are
Verb problem
is are
show examples
 golden
time
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 everybody's
life
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 are the happiest
over
Change preposition
during
show examples
this
Linking Words
period
Use synonyms
 of their
Use synonyms
age
Check wording
life
show examples
. To
beging
Correct your spelling
begin
 with,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 there are many fun
Use synonyms
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
show examples
 during young
age
Use synonyms
. Many
people
Use synonyms
 believe that in
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
period
Use synonyms
 of
life
Use synonyms
 you gain new skills and develop your personality.
For instance
Linking Words
, you
recieve
Correct your spelling
receive
 your
graduated
Replace the word
graduate
show examples
 degree
or
Punctuation problem
, or
show examples
 you can learn new skills to pursue
new
Correct article usage
a new
show examples
carrier
Use the right word
career
show examples
 path in future.
As a result
Linking Words
, when you learn new things, you become happy and improve your self-esteem
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 you understand that you are a worthy person.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
young
Correct article usage
a young
show examples
age
Use synonyms
, you
exprience
Correct your spelling
experience
new
Punctuation problem
new,
show examples
 valuable
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
 for
first
Correct article usage
the first
show examples
time
Use synonyms
;
for example
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 fall in love
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
this
Linking Words
age
Use synonyms
 or
finding
Wrong verb form
find
show examples
 their best friends over
this
Linking Words
period
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, you can be in
new
Correct article usage
a new
show examples
 situation that you
never
Verb problem
have never
show examples
exprienced
Correct your spelling
experienced
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
before.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the
proponent
Fix the agreement mistake
proponents
show examples
 of
this
Linking Words
 approach
that
Verb problem
argue that
show examples
 adult
time
Use synonyms
 is the happiest
time
Use synonyms
 in whole
life
Use synonyms
 argue that, in
this
Linking Words
Use synonyms
period
Punctuation problem
period,
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 become mature and they are more sensible and know how to face
Correct article usage
the difficulty
show examples
difficulty
Fix the agreement mistake
difficulties
show examples
 of
life
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
show examples
 they have new responsibilities like getting
maried
Correct your spelling
married
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 someone, giving birth new baby, nurturing their children, finding
new
Correct article usage
a new
show examples
 job, and developing their personality properly.
Linking Words
Therefore
Punctuation problem
Therefore,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 situation and new tasks make
life
Use synonyms
 more vibrant
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 you feel that these situations make you happy.
looking
Fix capitalization
Looking
show examples
 at
face
Correct article usage
the face
show examples
 of your baby, smiling at your husband, promoting in your job and
recieving
Correct your spelling
receiving
 your first
salaries
Fix the agreement mistake
salary
show examples
 are the things that make you feel happy. In conclusion, both points of view have valid approaches toward
this
Linking Words
 topic and offer sensible reasons for their perspective. The young
age
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 the
time
Use synonyms
 that you
exprience
Correct your spelling
experience
 new
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 you have more free
time
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 you can spend
time
Use synonyms
 on many fun activities
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
 it would be
happiest
Correct article usage
the happiest
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 for everyone. The adult
time
Use synonyms
 can make you more responsible and new opportunity to find yourself worthy and valuable
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
this
Linking Words
 sense of
confident
Replace the word
confidence
show examples
 is the best thing to make a person the happiest one in the world.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your own view clear at the start and restate it in the end.
task response
Add a short plan sentence in the introduction so the reader knows what you will discuss.
coherence
Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence and keep ideas in a simple order.
coherence
Use linking words (and, but, also, however) to show how ideas are linked.
language precision
Check grammar and spelling to keep ideas easy to understand.
content
The essay discusses both sides of the topic.
structure
There is an introduction and a conclusion to frame the essay.
content
The writer shares personal view and tries to support it.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: