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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some think spending a lot on birthday celebrations and weddings is a waste of money. Others think it is important for young people and society. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

More and more people think that spending a huge
amount
Use synonyms
 of
money
Use synonyms
 on birthday and wedding celebrations is important for society and young people,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that it is a waste of
money
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, I partially agree with these statements for two reasons. First of all,
birthdays
Use synonyms
 should be celebrated with family and close friends. In fact, a small party at home with all your loved ones is much warmer and loving.
Although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 some people now care about appearances and social media, it is more logical to avoid paying a high
amount
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 of
money
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 for a party that repeats every year. A study published
in
Change preposition
by
show examples
 New York University concluded that 90% of individuals
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 celebrate their
birthdays
Use synonyms
 at home with their loved ones tend to be happier.
Therefore
Linking Words
, spending
smaller
Correct article usage
a smaller
show examples
amount
Use synonyms
 on
birthdays
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 is reasonable.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I completely believe that weddings are more reasonable to spend
money
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 on.
In other words
Linking Words
, it is an unforgettable night, trying to make it perfect with everything you wished for , from food and drinks to the music.
For example
Linking Words
, my elder brother’s wedding was remarkable. He was saving
salary
Correct pronoun usage
his salary
show examples
 for the wedding, and it was one of the greatest nights for all who came. Everyone had fun, and we enjoyed the food and the music.
As a result
Linking Words
, spending
money
Use synonyms
 on weddings is not a waste of
money
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. In conclusion, in my opinion, I believe that spending an excessive
amount
Use synonyms
 on
birthdays
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 may be unnecessary,
while
Linking Words
 it is a different case on weddings , having all you wished
on
Change preposition
for on
show examples
 a night that will never come again.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I believe that
money
Use synonyms
 should be spent wisely depending on the
occasio
Correct your spelling
occasion

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task response
Your answer shows the idea but you need a clearer plan and full ending. Give more proof or facts, not only one study.
coherence
Put one idea in each part. Use clear start line in each paragraph. Use words like First, Then, Finally to show steps.
lexical
Some words may be wrong or not fit. Watch for small mistakes like 'Although' with a comma and the end word 'occasio'. Use simple words and short forms.
strength
Clear view on topic
strength
Good example from life
strength
Attempts to link birthdays and weddings
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