IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

It is argued that some children
use
Use synonyms
 their
phones
Use synonyms
 all
day
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay believes that the cause is bullying at school, and it has negative effects on
child
Use synonyms
 development. A
child
Use synonyms
's
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 is connected to the environment they are surrounded by. Bullying is the main reason for many children to binge on their
phones
Use synonyms
 because it's the easiest way to escape reality.
For example
Linking Words
, if a
child
Use synonyms
 is picked on in school, it's unlikely they will tell a
grown up
Use the right word
grown-up
show examples
, but he or she would
use
Use synonyms
 their
phones
Use synonyms
 to forget, and they do not have to deal with their situation.
Moreover
Linking Words
, a recent study shows that in recent years bullying has increased by 87
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
, and the only way for a
child
Use synonyms
 to be free is
using
Change preposition
by using
show examples
phones
Use synonyms
 to not
deal
Wrong verb form
dealing
show examples
 with it. Spending hours every
day
Use synonyms
 on smartphones has negative effects on
child
Use synonyms
 development because
child
Use synonyms
 growth is affected by going outside and experiencing life. The biggest negative effect is
child
Use synonyms
 weight. The hours spent on a smartphone could have been used to play in the garden, which is
for
Correct word choice
good for
show examples
 burning fat.
Also
Linking Words
, many children eat
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 amount of sugar and fat, and staying on the phone all
day
Use synonyms
 would result in obesity.
To conclude
Linking Words
, no
child
Use synonyms
 has to
use
Use synonyms
phones
Use synonyms
 all
day
Use synonyms
 to live. Bullying at school affects a
child
Use synonyms
's thinking about how they
use
Use synonyms
 their time and makes them
use
Use synonyms
 their
phones
Use synonyms
 for hours each
day
Use synonyms
, resulting in
bad
Correct word choice
poor
show examples
 development of
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
the child
show examples
child
Check wording
child's
show examples
 weight and causing them to become fat.

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Task Response
Explain more reasons why children turn to phones, not just bullying. Acknowledge other causes and give a balanced view.
Coherence
Put a clear topic sentence at the start of each paragraph and use linking words to show how ideas connect.
Coherence
Avoid use of or trust on numbers that may be wrong. If you use stats, be precise and say where they come from.
Coherence
End with a short conclusion that restates your main point.
Coherence
Keep one main idea per paragraph and add simple examples to support it.
Strength
The essay shows a clear position from the start.
Strength
There is a concluding sentence that wraps up the view.
Strength
Examples link phone use to bullying and to weight gain.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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