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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. Discuss advantage and disadvantages to children doing so??

In many countries, parents encourage their children to take up part-time
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 during their free time.
While
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this
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 practice can offer several valuable benefits, it may
also
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 present certain drawbacks.
Therefore
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,
this
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 essay will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of
this
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 issue. One significant upside is that part-time employment helps children develop a sense of responsibility and independence. By managing their own schedule and fulfilling workplace tasks, young people
enable
Wrong verb form
are enabled
show examples
 to learn essential skills,
such
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 as time management, discipline, and communication.
Furthermore
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, earning their own income can teach them financial literacy at an early age.
For example
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, some senior high schools in Indonesia
enforce
Verb problem
require
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 their
students
Use synonyms
 to work
in
Change preposition
during
show examples
semester
Correct article usage
the semester
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 break,
hence
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, many youngsters understand basic
rule
Fix the agreement mistake
rules
show examples
 of employability and financial planning from the real practice they have on their jobs.
However
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, there are
also
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 notable constraints to consider. One major concern is that part-time working may interfere
academic
Change preposition
with academic
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 performance. If working hours are excessive,
students
Use synonyms
 may struggle to concentrate
their
Change preposition
on their
show examples
 studies or complete
assignment
Fix the agreement mistake
assignments
show examples
 effectively.
This
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 could ultimately affect their long-term education prospects.
Moreover
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, young
students
Use synonyms
 may experience physical and mental fatigue that they should not experience at their age.
For instance
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, research
conduct
Replace the word
conducted
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 by
some
Correct determiner usage
a
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 university in Indonesia
report
Correct subject-verb agreement
reports
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 that some
students
Use synonyms
 have
complaint
Fix the agreement mistake
complaints
show examples
on
Change preposition
about
show examples
working
Correct article usage
the working
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 system that
involve
Correct subject-verb agreement
involves
show examples
students
Use synonyms
, since they have to
available
Verb problem
be available
show examples
 as long as the official working hours. In conclusion, I strongly believe that part-time employment can equip children with valuable skills and financial awareness,
although
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 it may hinder academic progress if it
not
Verb problem
is not
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 properly
manages
Wrong verb form
managed
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. For that matter, parents should ensure that working hours remain limited and do not compromise education.

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task
Be clear about your main view in the end. Say your own idea after giving the two sides.
coherence
Make one clear idea in each paragraph. Some lines have many ideas.
grammar
Fix grammar with wrong verb form and odd phrases, for example 'enable to learn' or 'conduct by'
examples
Use simple, true examples. The ideas about Indonesia could be stronger or general.
structure
Strong plan: intro, two body parts, and a clear ending.
balance
The essay shows both sides and ends with a view.
cohesion
Good use of linking words to join ideas.
Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

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