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Writing Samples
Band 4

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the healthcare system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is often argued that
schools
Use synonyms
 should provide more physical education to students
due to
Linking Words
 a reduction in healthcare strain. From my perspective, it is partially convincing since
schools
Use synonyms
require
Wrong verb form
are required
show examples
 to teach physical lessons.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
adimittedly
Correct your spelling
admittedly
, I accept that
schools
Use synonyms
 should allocate more physical
classes
Use synonyms
 because
this
Linking Words
 can lead to building healthy hobbies, resulting
less
Change preposition
in less
show examples
 obesity. As
schools
Use synonyms
 encourage students to build their physical hobbies, students will likely be less
obesed
Correct your spelling
obese
 since they move more than those who do not have physical hobbies.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 will visit hospitals
lesser
Use the right word
less
show examples
 because they can control their weight through physical activities. The studies have shown
more
Correct word choice
that more
show examples
 physical activities
resulted
Wrong verb form
result
show examples
 in less obesity and
healthier
Correct article usage
a healthier
show examples
 life since
people
Use synonyms
burnt
Use the right word
burn
show examples
 more calories they consume through physical activities.
Therefore
Linking Words
, introducing more physical
classes
Use synonyms
 will largely have
impact
Correct article usage
an impact
show examples
 on a reduction in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 burden
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
healthcare
Correct article usage
the healthcare
show examples
 system.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I strongly believe that
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 provide not only physical lessons but
also
Linking Words
 knowledge-based
classes
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 the importance of
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
diet
Use synonyms
. Individuals often suffer from
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
unhealthy meals, resulting in
overweight
Verb problem
being overweight
show examples
. Providing
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
knwoledge
Correct your spelling
knowledge
 of
diet
Use synonyms
 can be beneficial to reduce the number of obesity since
people
Use synonyms
 can use correct knowledge to select healthier food
ingredient
Fix the agreement mistake
ingredients
show examples
 and make balanced meals.
According to
Linking Words
 studies,
people
Use synonyms
 who have
healthier
Correct article usage
a healthier
show examples
diet
Use synonyms
 with enough exercise
reduced
Wrong verb form
reduce
show examples
 their weight faster than others who do not.
Therefore
Linking Words
, learning correct knowledge in
schools
Use synonyms
 is imperative to control weight. In conclusion, I
partically
Correct your spelling
particularly
 agree that
schools
Use synonyms
 offer physical
classes
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, I strongly believe that
schools
Use synonyms
 should provide physical
classes
Use synonyms
 and
knowledge-base
Use the right word
knowledge-based
show examples
 education regarding
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
diet
Use synonyms
. These will have a synergistic effect.

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language
Use shorter sentences and fix basic spelling errors to help meaning. Proofread each paragraph.
task
State a clear main point in the introduction and keep the same view in the conclusion.
content
Add one or two specific examples or data about how PE or diet helps health.
coherence
Work on linking words to show how ideas go with each other, and keep a steady flow between sentences.
content
You show a view that you partly agree with.
coherence
There is a simple structure with an intro, two body parts, and a conclusion.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • healthcare system
  • strain
  • physical education
  • curriculum
  • life skills
  • healthy lifestyle
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • nutrition
  • holistic approach
  • mental health
  • community programs
  • healthy foods
  • societal responsibility
  • preventative measures
  • obesity rates
What to do next:
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