IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that we live in a society where money and possessions are given too much importance. Others believe that his is improving our lives. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that modern society places excessive importance on
money
Use synonyms
 and material possessions
due to
Linking Words
 the influence of advertisements
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
encourages
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourage
show examples
 materialism and
leads
Correct subject-verb agreement
lead
show examples
 to social isolation.
However
Linking Words
, others argue that wealth and consumer
goods
Use synonyms
 improve our standard of living. I believe
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
that while
show examples
money
Use synonyms
 and possessions have a significant role but
people
Use synonyms
 should
prioritize
Change the spelling
prioritise
show examples
 values, health and family over material gains. On the one hand,
people
Use synonyms
 may think
money
Use synonyms
 and
goods
Use synonyms
 are important because of the rich influence of adverts. Nowadays,
manufactures
Replace the word
manufacturers
show examples
 use technology to highlight the attractive features of their products through social media platforms, and these platforms persuade them to chase wealth
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 these material
goods
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, they take loans from banks
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 higher interest rates, which
create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
show examples
 stressful situations in their lives.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 become materialistic
due to
Linking Words
 the influence of adverts
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 their aim is to acquire these resources quickly.
This
Linking Words
 behaviour not only encourages selfishness and greed but
also
Linking Words
 distances
from
Correct pronoun usage
oneself from
show examples
 the real world. In numerous cases,
people
Use synonyms
 who are overly focused on becoming wealthy gradually
losing
Wrong verb form
lose
show examples
 their emotional connection with their family members as they prefer to stay isolated over meaningful relationships. In my view,
although
Linking Words
 financial sources and physical assets are essential but
people
Use synonyms
 should give more preference to their mental health and family relations rather than relying heavily on bank loans.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
money
Use synonyms
 and personal
goods
Use synonyms
 can significantly enhance
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
's safety and opportunities in life. Nowadays, the life expectancy of individuals
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 improved because their
illness
Fix the agreement mistake
illnesses
show examples
 are diagnosed at the early stage and with
advance
Correct word choice
advanced
show examples
 medical care.
For instance
Linking Words
, now recognised hospitals use robotic systems to perform critical operations and surgeries with greater precision.
Similarly
Linking Words
, students can fulfil their dreams of studying in a prestigious
universities
Fix the agreement mistake
university
show examples
 when they have sufficient financial resources to support their education. Another is that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 many youngsters invest their quality time and
money
Use synonyms
 in learning valuable skills that
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
 to secure their job in reputed organisations. In
this
Linking Words
 way, financial stability helps them to find better employment opportunities even if they have to relocate
other
Change preposition
to other
show examples
 regions for personal and professional satisfaction. I believe
money
Use synonyms
 and assets can raise
individual's
Correct article usage
an individual's
show examples
 social status in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 it should be wisely
spend
Wrong verb form
spent
show examples
. In conclusion, undoubtedly
money
Use synonyms
 and materialistic
goods
Use synonyms
plays
Correct subject-verb agreement
play
show examples
 a vital role in life, but
people
Use synonyms
 should give more preference to social values, strengthen family relationships
instead
Linking Words
 of becoming selfish and overly materialistic.

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coherence
Make one main idea in each paragraph and use clear links to the next idea. Shorter sentences help to be clear.
task
State your view clearly and add one strong reason. End with a final thought.
grammar
Check grammar: plural and verb form, and use linking words better.
lexical
Use simple words more and avoid long, hard terms.
content
The essay shows both sides and a personal view.
support
Uses examples like adverts, loans, and modern care to support points.
strength
Some effort to compare money and values in life.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • money
  • wealth
  • things
  • goods
  • value
  • importance
  • society
  • life
  • family
  • time
  • happiness
  • debt
  • ads
  • media
  • spend
  • earn
  • buy
  • save
  • budget
  • safety
  • health
  • education
  • job
  • work
  • choice
  • freedom
  • balance
  • risk
  • inequality
  • progress
  • improve
  • harm
  • charity
  • support
  • plan
  • future
What to do next:
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