IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many customs and traditional ways of behavior are no longer relevant to modern life and not worth keeping. Do you agree or disagree?

Many people argue that customs and traditional
behaviour
Use synonyms
 are becoming irrelevant in recent years and are not worth keeping. I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 view;
while
Linking Words
 some traditional ways of acting retain their meaning, some should be banned because they harm individuals and
society
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss both views and show the reason why some traditional thinking should be removed. On the
one
Use synonyms
 hand, some traditional ways of
behaviour
Use synonyms
 may bring people together. Celebrating the Lunar New Year with family is
one
Use synonyms
 of the most excellent examples. In some Asian countries ,
such
Linking Words
 as China, Vietnam, or Korea, the Lunar New Year is
one
Use synonyms
 of the biggest holidays.
This
Linking Words
 is a holiday where people in these countries will prepare traditional food, decorate their houses, and gather everyone. Thanks to these activities, family members may have time for each other and share more about their problems.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some traditional thinking may harm individuals, especially
women
Use synonyms
, and
society
Use synonyms
.
One
Use synonyms
 of the outdated traditional opinions is that being a good wife means taking care of the household. Some Asian countries still have a strict
thinking
Check wording
view
show examples
 of
women
Use synonyms
, that they should not go to work.
This
Linking Words
 brings many drawbacks not only for
women
Use synonyms
 but
also
Linking Words
 for
society
Use synonyms
.
Women
Use synonyms
 nowadays should have their own right to make decisions about their lives. They have the right to develop their career and be a wife at the same time, but if
this
Linking Words
 traditional way of
behaviour
Use synonyms
 still exists, it may harm their mental health. It can lead to the reduction of marriage rates, which may have a negative impact on
society
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 there are some traditional ways of
behaviour
Use synonyms
 that can bring a positive meaning, I strongly believe that some strict traditional practices should be banned.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your view is clear, but you say both that you strongly agree and that some customs still matter. Make this line more clear from the start.
task response
You answer the question, but the essay talks more about some traditions than about customs in general. Add one more idea to show a fuller answer.
task response
Your main ideas are easy to follow, but some points need more support. For example, explain more clearly why lower marriage rates would hurt society.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The two body parts are in a good order: first a good side, then a bad side. This gives the essay a clear path.
coherence and cohesion
Some link words are used well, like on the one hand and on the other hand. But you can add more simple links like also, because, so, and for example.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are a bit long and heavy. Shorter sentences can make your meaning more clear.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the first part and keep it to the end.
task response
You use a real and clear example about Lunar New Year. This makes your idea stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part has one main idea, so the reader can follow your points easily.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • hinder progress
  • social mobility
  • intrinsic value
  • cultural touchstones
  • upbringing
  • sense of identity
  • continuity
  • moral and ethical values
  • quaint
  • foster a sense of community
  • outdated
  • intrinsic
What to do next:
Look at other essays: