IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that living in a multicultural country brings many benefits, while others think it can create social problems. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people think that a multicultural society has more
advantages
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advantages,
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while
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other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
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 believe it brings problems and increased social tension.
This
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 essay will discuss both opinions before presenting my own. On the
on
Use the right word
one
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 hand,cultural and ethnic
diversity
Use synonyms
 creates a solid foundation for broadening horizons and personal development.In
such
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Use synonyms
societies
Add a comma
societies,
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 individuals with different backgrounds share one
teritory
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territory
 and interact
between
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with
show examples
 each other on a daily basis.
This
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 creates an
oportunity
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opportunity
 to discover something new and uncover unknown sides of familiar things.
Furthermore
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,each nationality
have
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has
show examples
a
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apply
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distinct preferences in food and
entertaiment
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entertainment
.In order to fulfil
this
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 demand
many
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, many
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 new
business
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businesses
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 emerge. Cafes and
restaraunts
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restaurants
 with national dishes open their doors for customers.It creates an unseen
diversity
Use synonyms
 of food and ways to spend your leisure.
Moreover
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,it has a huge impact on economic growth by creating
considerable
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a considerable
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 number of workplaces. On
other
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the other
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 hand,a large number of people from overseas may
triger
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trigger
 social tension between groups
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such
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, such
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 as religious and ethnic conflicts.Because within one
neigborhood
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neighbourhood
 or even one house
folks
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, folks
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that
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apply
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who
where
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were
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 enemies to each other for decades have to exist close.The
clasical
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classical
 example is the debate of religion in Israel between the Jewish and the Palestinian, which
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 caused so many casualties.In
adiition
Correct your spelling
addition
,rapid inflow of other cultural
represnatives
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representatives
 may lead to
disolving
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dissolution
 of
original
Correct article usage
the original
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cultural
Replace the word
culture
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 between them and bring a threat to national identity. Personally, I agree that living in a multicultural society has more advantages than disadvantages.
Although
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 some tensions may arise.They are usually caused by political, historical or economic factors rather than
diversity
Use synonyms
 itself. In my opinion, exposure to different cultures makes people more open-minded, tolerant and adaptable. It
also
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saturate
Correct subject-verb agreement
saturates
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 everyday life through new traditions, cuisine and languages.
Therefore
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, I believe that multicultural
societies
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 are generally beneficial for both individuals and the country as
a
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apply
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well In conclusion, multicultural
societies
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 can bring both benefits and challenges.
they
Fix capitalization
They
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 promote personal growth, cultural exchange and economic development. But at the same time
Add a comma
,
show examples
they may increase social tension and threaten national identity.
However
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, I believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, because cultural
diversity
Use synonyms
 helps
societies
Use synonyms
 become more dynamic, tolerant and prosperous.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more equal way. Your view is clear, but the side about problems needs a bit more full support.
coherence and cohesion
Use more clear and direct topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph.
task response
Add one more simple and real example for each main idea. This will make your points stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Check linking words and small grammar mistakes, because they sometimes make the flow less smooth.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in one paragraph and explain it fully before you move to the next point.
task response
You discuss both views and give your own opinion clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear intro, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some examples and explain benefits and problems in a logical order.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Adaptation
  • Integration
  • Cultural norms
  • Social practices
  • Communication skills
  • Local language
  • Culture shock
  • Isolation
  • Transition
  • Host culture
  • Mutual understanding
  • Resentment
  • Embracing change
  • Opportunities
  • Personal growth
  • Broaden perspectives
What to do next:
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