IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some countries, online shopping is 5 band replacing shopping in stores. Do you think it is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

In contemporary society, there is an ongoing debate about whether online markets are better or traditional trade is more beneficial.
While
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 many people prefer online
shops
Use synonyms
, I firmly believe that offline store has several benefits. On the one hand, online
shops
Use synonyms
 have a number of chances for
customers
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. First and foremost, online markets can support their buyers in any condition ,
such
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 as rainy or snowy weather. Because
customers
Use synonyms
 may order by
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
phones
Fix the agreement mistake
phone
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as well as
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 supermarket service of supermarkets deliver their purchases at
this
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 time.
For instance
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, the "UZUM.uz" platform has a lot of
customers
Use synonyms
 because of its comfortable service. On top of that, buyers may buy the latest fashion clothes without extra effort. Simple because people can reserve any
products
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 from their home.
On the other hand
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, notwithstanding the aforementioned benefits, I maintain that traditional markets are more beneficial than online
shops
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.
Firstly
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, individuals
not only can
Correct word order
cannot only
show examples
 choose what they want, but
also
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 try clothes on themselves.
Apart from
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this
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,
customers
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 can purchase valuable
products
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 from the local marketplace as well
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they can
low
Correct word choice
get a lower
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 original price of
products
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.
As a result
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, buyers may own lower-priced but high-quality
products
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. In conclusion,
although
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 online
shops
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 are
convenience
Replace the word
convenient
show examples
, I strongly believe that traditional stores are more valuable
as well as
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 useful for people.

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task response
Answer the question more directly. You say offline shops are better, but you need to explain more clearly why online shopping replacing stores is a negative development.
task response
Add one more clear example to support your main idea. Your example about UZUM.uz supports online shopping, but your main view is about stores being better.
task response
Develop each main point more. Some ideas are short, so the reader wants more detail and a clearer reason.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph so your main point is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Some sentences feel separate, so use simple linking words like 'also', 'for example', 'because', and 'however' carefully.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar because some parts are hard to follow, and this affects the flow of your essay.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a basic clear structure: introduction, two body parts, and conclusion.
task response
You use one example from real life, which helps support your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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