IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

In recent years, it has often been discussed whether the increase in the adoption of technology to monitor what people do and say during their daily lives brings more benefits than challenges. I firmly believe that even though there are some advantages, the consequences, especially the moral ones, cannot be underestimated. On the one hand, the development of new technologies provided a variety of supports in our community;
therefore
Linking Words
, we can connect to each other easily, learning about multiple topics online and
also
Linking Words
 working from everywhere using a computer. It is widely known that different companies and institutions often use technology to obtain something else,
such
Linking Words
 as personal details and information; they
also
Linking Words
 use it to understand what are the real intentions of a person.
For example
Linking Words
, almost every store has a security camera: which is mainly used for preventing robbers and thieves from damaging their activities and clients.
On the other hand
Linking Words
 is not always simple to understand why some methods are used. Even though some techniques are justified for everybody’s sake, it should not be necessary to monitor certain aspects of people’s lives.
For example
Linking Words
, in China government uses technological supplements in order to identify citizens and discover information related to them, by scanning their faces before they reach their workplaces or listening to their private conversations on the phone. In conclusion, technology evolution is becoming more widespread, and unfortunately, in some cases, it crosses the line.
Although
Linking Words
 there are some reasonable points to adopt it in order to monitor people, it is undeniable that it raises various ethical concerns that need to be considered and discussed.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your main answer more clear in the first part. Say in a direct way that the bad points are greater than the good points.
task response
Add one more clear reason for why monitoring is bad. This will make your answer feel more full.
task response
Explain your ideas a bit more. Some points are good, but they need one more line to show why they matter.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. A few parts feel hard to follow because the sentence order is not always smooth.
coherence and cohesion
Make topic sentences more direct at the start of each body part. This helps the reader know your main point fast.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence connection inside paragraphs. Some ideas are joined, but not all of them clearly support the main point.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear opinion.
task response
You use examples like stores and China to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphing well, and each part has its own role.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: