IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do agree or disagree?

People
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 are living longer than in the past. There is a widespread belief that the retirement
age
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 should be increased. I strongly disagree with
this
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 opinion.
This
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 essay explains why I believe that the
age
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 at which
people
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 at which they stop working should not be linked to life expectancy. First and foremost, the fact that
people
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 are living longer does not necessarily mean that they are capable of working for a longer period.
In other words
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, a long-lasting work period leads to health problems and tiredness in individuals.
For instance
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, construction
workers
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 or factory
workers
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 often suffer from physical fatigue and health issues as they
age
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.
Moreover
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, some jobs involve heavy physical labour, making it impractical for individuals in these roles to keep working after the
age
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 of 60-65. In
this
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 way, these factors should be taken into account.
Furthermore
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, raising retirement
age
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 has a direct impact on job opportunities for the young. By
this
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 I mean that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 senior
workers
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 remain in the workforce for longer, and it becomes more challenging for young
people
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 to obtain employment. To illustrate, in many industries, older employees continue working past the traditional retirement
age
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, leaving fewer job prospects for recent university graduates.
Finally
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, it is of utmost significance for the youth. In conclusion,
while
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people
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 are living longer, the
age
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 at which
people
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 retire from work should not be significantly increased, since many older
workers
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 may struggle with health issues and young graduates could face reduced job opportunities.

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task response
For task response, your answer is clear and you give your opinion from the start. To get a higher score, add one more strong idea or explain each main idea more fully.
task response
For task response, your examples are relevant, but they are quite general. Try to add a more specific example with a clear result.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear paragraph plan with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. To improve, make some links between ideas smoother.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, some sentences are not fully natural or are repeated, such as 'people at which people at which'. Check carefully for small wording problems because they can make the flow weaker.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, the last sentence of body paragraph two is too short and not fully clear. Make sure each sentence clearly develops the main point.
task response
You answer the question directly and clearly say that you strongly disagree.
task response
Your main points are relevant: health problems for older workers and fewer jobs for young people.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is easy to follow because the ideas are in a logical order.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear paragraphing and include both an introduction and a conclusion.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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