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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Today, many people use the internet and smartphones to transfer money to friends, family, and businesses. Is this a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
Transactions
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 of
money
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 among people and businesses have been a daily occurrence for many millennia.
Although
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 in the past transferring was a tangible activity involving notes and coins, with the advancements in internet and mobile technologies, the physical aspect of fund transferring has now mostly transitioned into electronic means. In my opinion, I believe that
this
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 transformation is a favourable evolution
due to
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 several key benefits.
Body · 1
one of the main benefits of performing
money
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 transfers with the aid of technology is the high
level
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 of convenience experienced. Since
,
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apply
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transactions
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 are carried out electronically, there are no limitations in locale, and
also
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 the activities are performed in
real time
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real-time
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.
For example
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, if family members living in separate countries are required to move funds amongst each other, now they can achieve
this
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 using a mobile banking app.
Thus
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,
such
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 features provide a hassle-free and convenient means of carrying out
such
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 activities.
Body · 2
Another advantage of electronic fund transferring can be linked to the high
level
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 of security provided to
money
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. In the past transfering cash required people to physically move
money
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 from one place to another, which increases the chances of a theft occurring.
For instance
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, at present
money
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 can be digitally transferred between bank accounts, and these
transactions
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 are end-to-end encrypted ensuring a high
level
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 of security.
Body · 3
Furthermore
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, as electronic
money
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 transferring creates a digital footprint of all the activities, it can be used in terms of valuable information for budgeting purposes. Since
,
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apply
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 financial institutions record details of all the
transactions
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 people or businesses can use these data for analysis purposes for
future
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 plans.
Thus
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, to illustrate
this
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 can be related to a household where the family use past transaction data to understand unnecessary past expenses that they can avoid in the
future
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 to improve their savings.
Therefore
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,
such
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 data is very valuable when planning for the
future
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.
Conclusion
Thus
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 in conclusion, I strongly believe that the shift of
money
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 transferring from traditional methods to the current electronic means has many benefits ranging from an individual perspective to global e-commerce,
due to
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 the convenience,
level
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 of security, and opportunities to support
future
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 fund management that
such
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 means provide.

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Tone consistency
Ensure consistent use of formal language to maintain an academic tone throughout the essay.
Examples variety
While you've provided clear, comprehensive explanations, incorporating a wider variety of examples on how electronic transfers benefit different sectors could further enrich your essay.
Grammar & Spelling
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and spelling to enhance the professional quality of your writing.
Content
Your essay successfully outlines the benefits of electronic money transfers, showing a deep understanding of the topic.
Structure
The logical structure of your argument, including a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion reinforces your points effectively.
Examples Use
Specific examples used, such as the family members living in separate countries, illustrate your points vividly and make your argument more relatable.
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