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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that sports teach children how to compete, while other believe that learn teamwork. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

It is debatable
that
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apply
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whether
sports
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 teach
children
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 competetive mindset or teamwork.
Although
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 some believe that through hardship of competition and resilience
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children
Punctuation problem
, children
show examples
 learn to become
competetive
Correct your spelling
competitive
.
However
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, others think that by cooperating with achieving same target and developing
communication
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skills
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,
sports
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 teach
children
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 how to become a
teamplayer
Correct your spelling
team player
.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and give a final verdict. By participating in various
sports
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competitions
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competitions,
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children
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 learn to develop themselves
in
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on
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 a
continous
Correct your spelling
continuous
 basis. Through hardship of failure and
thriving
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striving
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 for success, young sportspeople always try to shine their knowledge,
skills
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 and gain valuable experience.
This
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 mindset
also
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 helps them to aspire to success in their school activities and daily lives.
Moreover
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, gaming competitions help them to cope
up
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apply
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with any positive or negative aspects
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such
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, such
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 as
analyzing
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analysing
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 why they lost a match or how they could perform better even if they won the game.
This
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 mind calculation helps them to build a go-to mindset for
analysis
Replace the word
analysing
 anything and
bring
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bringing
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 to light the best outcome.
On the other hand
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, taking part in competitive
sports
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 events gives youngsters the opportunity to learn about teamwork and improve their
skills
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 in
communication
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. Through
teamsports
Correct your spelling
team sports
 like cricket, football and so on, the little sportsmen play for a common goal.
This
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 process helps them to become teamplayer through cooperating
each
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with each
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 other.
This
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 attitude
assists
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helps
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 them to
forward
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apply
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this
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 skill
into
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in
show examples
 their school-life and in their real life as well.
In addition
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, through teamplay, the minors
also
Linking Words
 learn how to communicate and coordinate better as they need to talk or
signaling
Wrong verb form
signal
show examples
 with each other during the game time. Even after the gaming events,
children
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 get the chance to talk with their fellow teammates
which
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, which
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build
Correct subject-verb agreement
builds
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 their strong
communication
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skills
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. In my opinion, I believe
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due
Correct word choice
that due
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 to the constant
communication
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, cooperation and
leading power
Replace the word
leadership
,
sports
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 competitions
teaching
Wrong verb form
teach
show examples
 the juveniles how to be
a
Correct article usage
apply
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better team
player
Check wording
players
show examples
.
Also
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, it helps
children
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 to increase their leadership capabilities.
To conclude
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,
sports
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 may make
children
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 competitive with their peers, but for developing cooperative and leadership
mindsets
Punctuation problem
mindsets,
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 it is essential for
children
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 to take part in
sports
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 on a daily basis.

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task response
Answer both sides more clearly. You did this, but your opinion should be a bit stronger and easier to see.
task response
Add more clear and real examples. Your ideas are good, but they stay general.
task response
Make each main idea easier to follow. Some sentences are hard to understand because the wording is not clear.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Sometimes they are used well, but sometimes the flow feels forced.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each sentence. A few sentences are too long and mix many ideas together.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph unity. Your paragraph order is good, but some points need better support.
task response
You discussed both views and gave your opinion, so you answered the full task.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear intro, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The main ideas are easy to identify: competition in one part and teamwork in the other part.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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