IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Is it a positive or negative trend?

These days, many
children
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 waste their
time
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 on gadgets. Before, these kinds of
smartphones
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 were used only to communicate with
children
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, but today, around 80% of
children
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 use a modern phone. I am in full disagreement that
smartphones
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 have bright light, and it has an impact on their eyes.
Furthermore
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, it promotes numerous diseases. One of the main negatives is health issues. Some
children
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 cannot imagine their lives without gadgets.
However
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, they spend a lot of
time
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,
such
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 as 4 hours or 7 hours, on them.
In addition
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, if
children
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 look at the phone for more than 4 hours, it may affect their eyes. It has an impact on mental well-being and social health.
For example
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, they waste their
time
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 playing video games
instead
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 of studying and learning something new.
Furthermore
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,
children
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's brains work well, and they can learn simply, but they spend their
time
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 playing unnecessary video games.
As a result
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, gadgets are crucial, but some parents should provide limited smartphone use every day. Another significant disadvantage is social isolation;
children
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 spend too little
time
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 with their families and friends. It can produce loneliness;
for instance
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, a man who spends his
time
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 on
smartphones
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 may have weak
communication
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skills
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 in real life. Many
children
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,
instead
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 of playing outside, isolate themselves, which harms their social development. In the future, they will face challenges finding work because they have weak
communication
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skills
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. Many types of companies require
communication
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skills
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.
Consequently
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, they might be unemployed if they do not have
communication
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skills
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.
To sum up
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,
although
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 spending their
time
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 on
smartphones
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 is not beneficial to
children
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's development, from my perspective, if they use it positively, like for learning and studying, they might do everything well in their lives.

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task response
Answer both parts more clearly. Say why children use phones so much, and then say more clearly why you think this is mostly bad or good.
task response
Use ideas that are more fully explained. Some points are good, but a few are repeated and not developed enough.
task response
Give examples that are more specific and real. This will make your points stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has clear paragraphs, which is good. But some sentences do not connect smoothly, so the flow is not always easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Words like 'however', 'furthermore', and 'consequently' are used, but sometimes the meaning is not a good match.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one main idea, and support it step by step.
task response
You clearly show your opinion that this is mostly a negative trend.
task response
You include two main bad effects: health problems and social isolation.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphing, which helps the reader follow your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • digital devices
  • smartphone addiction
  • online interactions
  • developmental impact
  • physical health
  • mental well-being
  • academic performance
  • parental supervision
  • proliferation of apps
  • engaging content
  • excessive use
  • sedentary lifestyle
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