IELTS Writing Correction Service /
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Band 7.5

Today, many people use the internet and smartphones to transfer money to friends, family, and businesses. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #internet #smartphones #transfer #money #friends #businesses #development
People these days use the internet for everyday tasks, one of those tasks is sending
money
 to friends, family, and businesses.
This
 technology allows people to send and receive
money
 quickly without the need to go to a regular ATM.
While
 there are some concerns regarding fraud and data breaches, the convenience and efficiency
outweighs
Change the verb form
outweigh
show examples
 those drawbacks. One significant benefit of using the internet and smartphones for
money
 transfers is convenience. People no longer need to visit physical banks or ATM machines to send
money
. With just a few clicks, transactions can be completed within minutes from the comfort of one’s home, making everyday financial management far more accessible.
This
 is especially useful for individuals with busy lifestyles, as they can pay bills, send
money
 to family members, or shop online with ease. Another advantage is efficiency. Traditional banking methods often involve waiting periods, especially for international transfers, which can take several days.
However
, mobile and online transfers can be nearly instantaneous.
This
 speed is particularly beneficial in urgent situations,
such
 as sending
money
 to someone in need.
However
, some concerns,
such
 as security issues, must be addressed. Cybercriminals can exploit vulnerabilities, leading to fraud or identity theft. Despite these risks, advancements in encryption and security protocols continue to improve the safety of online transactions. In conclusion, the use of the internet and smartphones to transfer
money
 is largely a positive development. The convenience, speed, and financial inclusion it offers far outweigh the potential drawbacks, especially as security measures continue to evolve.
This
 trend is likely to become an even more integral part of our daily financial lives in the future.
Submitted by riani.the2 on

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advice
You might consider including a specific example to illustrate how someone benefits from transferring money via the internet or a smartphone, such as supporting a family member abroad.
advice
Address any potential counterarguments or drawbacks more comprehensively, providing balanced reasoning.
positive
The essay has a clear and structured introduction and conclusion that effectively encapsulate the main points.
positive
Ideas are presented logically, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.
positive
The essay successfully highlights the modern need for speed and convenience in financial transactions, supporting the argument well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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