IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Today, many people use the internet and smartphones to transfer money to friends, family, and businesses. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #internet #smartphones #transfer #money #friends #businesses #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
People these days use the internet for everyday tasks, one of those tasks is sending
money
Use synonyms
 to friends, family, and businesses.
This
Linking Words
 technology allows people to send and receive
money
Use synonyms
 quickly without the need to go to a regular ATM.
While
Linking Words
 there are some concerns regarding fraud and data breaches, the convenience and efficiency
outweighs
Change the verb form
outweigh
show examples
 those drawbacks. One significant benefit of using the internet and smartphones for
money
Use synonyms
 transfers is convenience. People no longer need to visit physical banks or ATM machines to send
money
Use synonyms
. With just a few clicks, transactions can be completed within minutes from the comfort of one’s home, making everyday financial management far more accessible.
This
Linking Words
 is especially useful for individuals with busy lifestyles, as they can pay bills, send
money
Use synonyms
 to family members, or shop online with ease. Another advantage is efficiency. Traditional banking methods often involve waiting periods, especially for international transfers, which can take several days.
However
Linking Words
, mobile and online transfers can be nearly instantaneous.
This
Linking Words
 speed is particularly beneficial in urgent situations,
such
Linking Words
 as sending
money
Use synonyms
 to someone in need.
However
Linking Words
, some concerns,
such
Linking Words
 as security issues, must be addressed. Cybercriminals can exploit vulnerabilities, leading to fraud or identity theft. Despite these risks, advancements in encryption and security protocols continue to improve the safety of online transactions. In conclusion, the use of the internet and smartphones to transfer
money
Use synonyms
 is largely a positive development. The convenience, speed, and financial inclusion it offers far outweigh the potential drawbacks, especially as security measures continue to evolve.
This
Linking Words
 trend is likely to become an even more integral part of our daily financial lives in the future.
Submitted by riani.the2 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

advice
You might consider including a specific example to illustrate how someone benefits from transferring money via the internet or a smartphone, such as supporting a family member abroad.
advice
Address any potential counterarguments or drawbacks more comprehensively, providing balanced reasoning.
positive
The essay has a clear and structured introduction and conclusion that effectively encapsulate the main points.
positive
Ideas are presented logically, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.
positive
The essay successfully highlights the modern need for speed and convenience in financial transactions, supporting the argument well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: