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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

The number of
children
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 spends a significant
amount
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 of
time
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 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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smartphones
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. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss why
is
Correct word order
this is happening
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this
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 happenig and argue that it is a negative development from my own perspective. There are several major reasons why
children
Use synonyms
 spend so much
time
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 on
smartphones
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. First of all,
this
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 is related to
availability
Correct article usage
the availability
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 of any gadgets for all people. You can buy a phone for every taste in the store.
This
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 is why parents often buy their
children
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 phones. The next reason is poor upbringing and
involvement
Correct article usage
the involvement
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 of parents in
this
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 process. Many people who have kids
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 believe that
phone
Correct article usage
the phone
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 won’t harm.
Thus
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,
instead
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 of spending
time
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 with the child,
for example
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 go for a walk or
read
Wrong verb form
reading
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 a book together, they prefer to keep
children
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 occupied with
smartphones
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.
For example
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, the child uses games or videos for many hours each day. My stance on
this
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 issue is that spending a considerable
amount
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 of
time
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in
Change preposition
on
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 the phone, especially for
children
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, is very harmful. Everybody knows that screens are bad for eyesight.
Children
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 have sensitive eyes
,
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;
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 their eyesight
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 still developing.
Therefore
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, it is very important to control the
amount
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 of
time
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children
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 spend on
smartphones
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. I
also
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 believe that
this
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 case can lead to obesity problems, because of a sedentary lifestyle. The more
time
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children
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 spend on their phones, the
more
Rephrase
less
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 they
leak
Verb problem
engage in
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overall
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 activity.
To conclude
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, two major reasons why
children
Use synonyms
 spend a significant
amount
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 of
time
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
smartphones
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 are
high
Correct article usage
the high
show examples
 availability of gadgets and parental irresponsibility. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
light of these facts, I believe that
smartphones
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 have a negative impact.

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task response
Answer both questions more fully. You explain why children use phones, and you give your view, but your ideas can be more deep.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer main ideas in each body paragraph. Start each paragraph with one clear point, then explain it.
task response
Add one more clear example for your negative view. This will make your answer stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, because, so, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar, because some parts are hard to follow.
task response
You answer both parts of the question.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
Your opinion is clear: you think this is a negative development.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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