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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

The number of
children
Use synonyms
 spends a significant
amount
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 of
time
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 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
smartphones
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. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will discuss why
is
Correct word order
this is
show examples
this
Linking Words
 happening and argue that it is a negative development from my own perspective. There are several major reasons why
children
Use synonyms
 spend so much
time
Use synonyms
 on
smartphones
Use synonyms
. First of all,
this
Linking Words
 is related to
availability
Correct article usage
the availability
show examples
 of any gadgets for all people. You can buy a phone for every taste in the store.
This
Linking Words
 is why parents often buy their
children
Use synonyms
 phones.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the next reason is poor upbringing and involvement of parents in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 process. The numbers people who have
a
Correct article usage
apply
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kids
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 believe that
phone
Correct article usage
the phone
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 won’t hurt. So
instead
Linking Words
 of spending
time
Use synonyms
 with the child,
for example
Linking Words
 go for a walk or
read
Wrong verb form
reading
show examples
 a book together, they prefer to keep
children
Use synonyms
 occupied with
smartphones
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. My stance on
this
Linking Words
 issue is that
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 a considerable
amount
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 of
time
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 in phone, especially for
children
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,
very
Verb problem
is very
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 harmful. Everybody knows that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 screens are bad for eyesight.
Children
Use synonyms
 have sensitive eyes
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 their eyesight
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 still developing.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is very important to control the
amount
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 of
time
Use synonyms
children
Use synonyms
 spend on
smartphones
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. I
also
Linking Words
 believe that
this
Linking Words
 case can lead to obesity problems, because of a sedentary lifestyle. The more
time
Use synonyms
children
Use synonyms
 spend on their phones, the
more
Rephrase
less
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 they
suffer
Verb problem
engage in
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overall
Linking Words
 activity
of
Check wording
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
.
To conclude
Linking Words
, two major reasons why
children
Use synonyms
 spend a significant
amount
Use synonyms
 of
time
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
smartphones
Use synonyms
 is hight availability of gadgets and parental irresponsibility. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
light of these facts, I believe that
smartphones
Use synonyms
 has negative impact.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain why children use phones, and you say it is negative, but your ideas need more depth.
task response
Add one clear example. For example, you can say how a child uses games or videos for many hours each day.
task response
Make each main idea clearer. Some sentences are hard to follow because of grammar mistakes.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Words like first, second, therefore, and to conclude are helpful, but some sentences do not connect smoothly.
coherence and cohesion
Develop each main point with one more sentence of support, so the reader can follow your meaning more easily.
task response
You answer both questions in the task.
task response
Your position is clear: you think this is a negative development.
coherence and cohesion
You have an introduction and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphs to separate your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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