IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

In today's
high
Replace the word
highly competitive
competition
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 world, many people start to discuss the serious issue
about
Change preposition
of whether
show examples
 we should encourage
children
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 to
co-operate
Correct your spelling
cooperate
 or compete with
others
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, and which
way
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 could make them become more useful adults. In my opinion,
although
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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both ways are meriting
to consider
Replace the word
consideration
, I still believe that teaching
children
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 to
co-operate
Correct your spelling
cooperate
 with
others
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 is
the
Correct article usage
a
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 better and more positive
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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 than just
tell
Wrong verb form
telling
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 them to compete.
Firstly
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,
co-operating
Replace the word
co-operation
 is the core of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society's
operating
Replace the word
operation
. It can deal with the complex problems by interacting
resources
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with resources
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,
as a result
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, winning
to
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over
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 the
alone
Correct word choice
lone
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 competitor.
For example
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, when doing the team work in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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school,
children
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 need to learn how to separate the complex
works
Check wording
work
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according to
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 the different
teammembers'
Correct your spelling
team members'
 unique
ability
Fix the agreement mistake
abilities
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.
Additionally
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,
this
Linking Words
way
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 of co-operating can efficiently shorten the disadvantage of personal ability, making
children
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 understand that "no one has
the
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apply
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all-round talent, the good corporate which can cross
the
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apply
show examples
different fields is the best
way
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.
On the other hand
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, it is
undoubt
Correct word choice
undeniable
show examples
 that suitable
competition
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 can encourage
children
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's ability, pushing them
have
Verb problem
to have
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 higher scores and society status.
However
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, if we just teach
children
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be
Verb problem
to be
show examples
Use synonyms
competition
Replace the word
competitive
 and ignore
co-operating
Replace the word
cooperation
,
would
Correct pronoun usage
it would
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 make them become stylish and only
considering
Wrong verb form
consider
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 themselves.
Therefore
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, the better
way
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 is "
encuraging
Correct your spelling
encouraging
 the construction
competition
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", mentoring
children
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keep
Verb problem
to keep
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 the respect and support
with
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from
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others
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 during the
competition
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.
To sum up
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,
although
Linking Words
competition
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 can improve personal
growing
Replace the word
growth
, we still need to teach
children
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remain
Verb problem
to retain
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 their
heart
Fix the agreement mistake
hearts
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 of respect and support.
Last
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 but not
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
least, learning how to cooperate with
others
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 is the most important key to
let
Verb problem
helping
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 become more useful adults in the future.

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task response
Answer both sides more clearly. You talk more about working with others, but the side for competition is short.
task response
Give your opinion in one clear line in the introduction and keep it the same in the body.
task response
Add one more clear example for competition and one more real example for co-operation.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph have one main idea only.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words like first, second, however, because, so, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow. Write shorter sentences to make your meaning clear.
task response
You answer the question and give your own opinion.
task response
You discuss both competition and co-operation.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use link words like firstly, on the other hand, therefore, and to sum up.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • encourage
  • compete
  • cooperate
  • useful
  • adults
  • skills
  • motivation
  • drive
  • resilience
  • failure
  • workplace
  • empathy
  • social skills
  • reduce
  • stress
  • pressure
  • balanced
  • approach
  • ideal
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