IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Doctors recommend that older people should excersice regularly.However many of them do not exercise enough. What are the causes? What can be done to encourage them to exercise?

Nowadays, a large
segmant
Correct your spelling
segment
 of older
people
Use synonyms
 in our society tend to neglect working out,
opposing
Replace the word
contrary
 to what doctors recommend. There are numerous reasons for
this
Linking Words
 issue, and effective solutions for each one of them.
This
Linking Words
 essay will thoroughly discuss some of the reasons and give possible solutions. First and foremost, one of the main reasons the elderly avoid exercising is the high costs of gym subscriptions. These costs have been significantly increasing, making it hard to commit to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 healthy lifestyle even for the younger generations. One approach to encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to exercise, especially older
people
Use synonyms
, is to provide free workout programs
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that they can use
at
Change preposition
from
show examples
 the comfort of their homes, and
then
Linking Words
 teach them how to use technical devices
such
Linking Words
 as
ipads
Fix capitalization
iPads
show examples
,
tv's
Correct your spelling
TVs
 or even their phones to stream these programs.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, a large number of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
senior citizens do not
realize
Change the spelling
realise
show examples
 the dangers of a sedentary lifestyle and the potential diseases they can get because of it. They might think that the
possiblity
Correct your spelling
possibility
 of
harboring
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harbouring
show examples
 diseases is only low.
However
Linking Words
, in order for them to learn, we can spread awareness using various ways and platforms. An example to do
this
Linking Words
 is to
make
Verb problem
conduct
show examples
 interviews with older
people
Use synonyms
 who
already
Verb problem
have already
show examples
 got sick because of an inactive lifestyle, and show it in tv to warn others. In conclusion, the elderly might find it too expensive to
workout
Replace the word
work out
, so we can provide free programs and teach them how to use them.
Moreover
Linking Words
, some of the older individuals are not aware of the dangers of being inactive, and by spreading information, they can learn the adverse effects and eventually feel motivated to
workout
Replace the word
work out
.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain causes and fixes, but you can add one more clear cause or one more direct solution.
task response
Use more exact examples. Your example about TV interviews is good, but a real-life style example would make your ideas stronger.
task response
Some ideas are clear, but a few are too general. Explain why cost is a big problem for old people with low income.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end. Keep this shape in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. 'First and foremost' and 'Furthermore' are good, but do not overuse long linkers.
coherence and cohesion
A few sentences are too long. Break them into two shorter parts to make the flow easier.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main point stronger with one short support sentence. This will help your paragraphs feel more complete.
task response
You answer both questions in the task, which is very important.
task response
Your main ideas are easy to understand.
task response
The essay stays on topic from start to end.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction clearly shows what the essay will discuss.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main idea, so the essay is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion matches the ideas in the body paragraphs.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • exercise
  • regularly
  • older people
  • health issues
  • physical activity
  • motivation
  • habits
  • benefits
  • community
  • parks
  • gyms
  • programs
  • safe
  • social isolation
  • friends
  • family
  • encouragement
  • lonely
What to do next:
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