IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Nowadays, people spend more time watching TV and using electronic devices than doing physical activities. Why is this happening? What can be done to solve this problem?

In recent years,
individuals
Use synonyms
allocate
Wrong verb form
have allocated
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 more time to electronic
devices
Use synonyms
 and television than to physical activities. There are two major reasons for
this
Linking Words
:
Punctuation problem
:
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 short-term
dopamine
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 and because electronic
devices
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 have recently entered many
people
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's lives. Collectively, these elements influence the
obesity
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 rate in
individuals
Use synonyms
. One significant factor is temporary
dopamine
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 release.
This
Linking Words
 occurs mainly because, nowadays, one of the most important hormones that keeps
people
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 doing one thing regularly is
dopamine
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. 
For instance
Linking Words
, the best things that can give temporary
dopamine
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 are watching TV and
gadgets
Verb problem
using gadgets
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.
This
Linking Words
 shows that
people
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 choose gadgets and
devices
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 because they are better
in a way of
Change preposition
at
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 giving
dopamine
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 hormones than working out.  Another important factor is electronic gadgets
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 have entered recently. It is caused by many
people
Use synonyms
 not seeing or using them in their childhood, so it seems more interesting to watch and view them than to do exercises . A clear example of
this
Linking Words
 can be our country, Uzbekistan. Because the new technologies
came
Wrong verb form
have come
show examples
 to us recently. Together, these factors affect
individuals
Use synonyms
 dedicating more hours to television and electronic device usage than to engaging in physical activities in several ways.
For example
Linking Words
,
obesity
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.
As a result
Linking Words
, if
people
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 continue to spend their time on electronic
devices
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, they will slowly get fatter, and
it
Correct pronoun usage
this
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 will
bring them
Verb problem
lead
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 to
obesity
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. In conclusion, unhealthy
dopamine
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 and newcomer technologies are the main contributing factors to
this
Linking Words
 issue. It is evident that their combined effect has a substantial impact on the
obesity
Use synonyms
 rate of
individuals
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.

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task response
Answer both parts more clearly. You explain why this happens, but you do not really say what can be done to solve it.
task response
Add one full body paragraph about solutions. For example, schools and work places can give more sport time, and parents can limit screen time.
task response
Make your main ideas easier to understand. Some ideas, like dopamine, are not explained in a simple and clear way.
task response
Use examples that fit the question better. The example about Uzbekistan is interesting, but it needs more detail and a clear link to less exercise.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Sometimes words like 'collectively' and 'together' do not help the flow.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one clear topic in each paragraph. The third paragraph talks about result, not another main reason or solution.
coherence and cohesion
Support each main point with fuller explanation. Right now, the ideas are there, but they are not developed enough.
coherence and cohesion
You have an introduction and a conclusion, and both match the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow in general because you separate your main ideas into paragraphs.
task response
You give two reasons for the problem, so part of the task is covered.
task response
You try to use an example to support your idea, which is a good habit.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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