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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough.

In many cultures,
children
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 are encouraged to believe that they can achieve any goal through sufficient effort and dedication.
While
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this
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 mindset can foster determination and resilience, it may
also
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 have negative consequences for a child’s emotional and personal development.
This
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 essay will discuss
both
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 the advantages and disadvantages of
this
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 approach before presenting a balanced view. On the one hand, instilling the belief that hard work leads to
success
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 can be highly beneficial.
Children
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 who grow up with
this
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 mindset are more likely to develop perseverance and a strong work ethic,
both
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 of which are essential qualities in academic and professional environments.
Such
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 individuals tend to be more goal-oriented and are better equipped to overcome challenges.
For instance
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, in countries like China, a strong emphasis on diligence and academic achievement has contributed to a highly competitive workforce and significant economic growth.
Therefore
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, encouraging
children
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 to strive for
success
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 can lead to positive outcomes
both
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 for individuals and for society as a whole.
On the other hand
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, placing excessive emphasis on achievement may undermine a child’s natural development and well-being. When
children
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 are constantly pressured to succeed, they may experience stress, anxiety, and a fear of failure.
This
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 can limit their creativity and reduce opportunities for social interaction and play, which are crucial aspects of childhood. A clear example can be seen in young athletes who are pushed to train intensively from an early age;
while
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 some achieve
success
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, many struggle with burnout, injuries, or dissatisfaction later in life.
As a result
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, an overly rigid focus on
success
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 can have long-term negative effects. In conclusion,
although
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 encouraging
children
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 to believe in the value of hard work can cultivate resilience and achievement, it is equally important to ensure that
this
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 does not come at the expense of their
overall
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 well-being. A balanced approach that promotes
both
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 ambition and emotional development is
therefore
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 essential.

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task response
For task response, make your own view more clear in the body, not only in the end.
task response
For task response, add one more direct point about why this idea may not be true for all children.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, some link words are good, but you can vary them more.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, make the second body paragraph connect more clearly to your main view.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give a clear ending.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas are easy to follow from start to end.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has a clear central idea and support.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Perseverance
  • Resilience
  • Self-esteem
  • Confidence
  • Goal-setting
  • Work ethic
  • Ambitious
  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Frustration
  • Inadequate
  • Overemphasis
  • Stress
  • Pressure
  • Mental health
  • Resource availability
What to do next:
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