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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some people argue that
parents
Use synonyms
 are the primary educators who should teach
children
Use synonyms
 how to become good members of
society
Use synonyms
.
Others
Use synonyms
 believe that school is the ideal place to learn social rules. In my opinion, the most effective approach is combining the
parents
Use synonyms
 and
schools
Use synonyms
, which can shape well-educated social citizens. Some people believe that
parents
Use synonyms
 should take responsibility for educating their
children
Use synonyms
 to become good members of
society
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is because
parents
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 are
children
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's first teachers.When
parents
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 interact with their
children
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, kids will implicitly
imitation
Replace the word
imitate
 their
Use synonyms
parents'behavior,
Correct word order
parents' behaviour. Parents
show examples
parents
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 act as role
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
models,which
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to
shapes
Wrong verb form
shaping
show examples
 the formation of
children
Use synonyms
's initial values.
However
Linking Words
, the family is different from
society
Use synonyms
. In a family environment,
children
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 rarely interact with people other than their
parents
Use synonyms
, which prevents them from learning and understanding social rules and how to get
along with
Linking Words
others
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. Those who advocate that
schools
Use synonyms
 should educate
children
Use synonyms
 to be good citizens argue that
schools
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 can provide a relatively realistic social environment. When
children
Use synonyms
 study at school, their interaction and communication with peers increase, giving them more opportunities to cooperate and communicate with
others
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.
For instance
Linking Words
,
children
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 are often required to collaborate and discuss coursework to complete their assignments.
As a result
Linking Words
, they can learn actual social rules in the process.
However
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, the main responsibility of
schools
Use synonyms
 is to impart knowledge.
Thus
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,
children
Use synonyms
 can only adapt to the social environment by independent learning.
Overall
Linking Words
,
parents
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 should act as the primary educators and companions to help
children
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 establish values at an early age. Meanwhile,
schools
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 can provide a relatively social setting for
children
Use synonyms
 to help them to learn how to deal with
others
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, and the combination of both will help
children
Use synonyms
 grow into excellent members of
society
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more full way. Your view is clear, but each side needs a little more detail.
task response
Use one clear example to support your ideas. This will make your points stronger.
task response
Some ideas are good, but a few parts are not fully explained. Add one more sentence after each main point.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good. But some links between sentences are weak.
coherence cohesion
Check sentence flow. A few sentences are hard to follow because of grammar and word form problems.
coherence cohesion
Use simple linking words clearly, like 'first', 'also', 'however', and 'as a result'.
task response
You discussed both views and gave your own opinion.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and clear.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear paragraph plan.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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