IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

SOME PEOPE THINK THAT SPENDING A LOT OF MONEY ON BIRTHDAYS AND MARRIAGES CELEBRATIONS IS A WASTE OF MONEY BUT OTHERS THINK THAT IT IS IMPORTANT TO THE YOUNG PEOPLE AND THE SOCIETY. DISCUSS BOTH VIEWS AND GIVE YOUR OPINION.

Spending a large
amount
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 of
payment
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money
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 on
Celebrations
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 is a waste of cash. The question is, some families believe it is important to spend a lot of cash on
celebrations
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,
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;
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however
Linking Words
, others believe there are many more necessary things than
celebrations
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. In my opinion, I believe
people
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 should save their salary and not spend it on parties because they are just
celebrations
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. In
this
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 essay, I am going to introduce both views and give my opinion. First of all, there are many
people
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 who give attention to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society
,
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.
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Furthermore
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, they are constantly concerned about their appearance, even though
,
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apply
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 they do not have enough cash.
Additionally
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, they tend to be close to the rich families in the country.
For instance
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, my friend does not have enough income, but
,
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apply
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 He used to pay a large
amount
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 of
finances
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money
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 on his birthday because he has many rich friends.
However
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, there are many
people
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 who do not like spending a large
amount
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 of money on
celebrations
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 because they think there are many more essential things than
celebrations
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.
Moreover
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, they want to study in the best schools that require a large
amount
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 of money.
For instance
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, my brother does not
do
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attend
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 any parties because he thinks
,
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apply
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celebrations
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 are a
wasting
Replace the word
waste
 of money.
However
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, he studies at a high-class university. In conclusion, I would argue that celebration is not necessary
, the
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;
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people
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 should give attention to their education and,
in addition
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, their health care.
Moreover
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, they do not
have even
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even have
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 a house
,
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;
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therefore
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, they have to give attention to their accommodation.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You gave both views, but each side needs a clearer reason.
task response
Make your opinion clear in all body parts, not only in the introduction and conclusion.
task response
Use more direct examples. Your examples are simple, but they need more detail to strongly support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Group ideas in a clearer way. One main idea in each paragraph will make your essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Do not use too many linkers like 'however', 'moreover', and 'for instance' in almost every line. Use them only when needed.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence joining and punctuation. Some sentences are too long or broken in the wrong place.
task response
You answered the main question and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You used some examples to support your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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