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Band 4.5

In some countries, parents want their children to focus on their studies only. Because of this, many young people do not get their first job until after college. In other countries, many children get their first part-time job while still in high school. Which approach do you think is better? Why?

In some countries, parents want their children to focus on their studies only. Because of
this
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, many young people do not get their first job until after college. In other countries, many children get their first part-
time
Use synonyms
 job
while
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 still in high school. Which approach do you think is better? Why? With the development of modern technologies and tendencies, in educational and vocational
pathways
Punctuation problem
pathways,
show examples
 modern young learners are given opportunities to engage in commercial activities ,
while
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 achieving their academic goals. From my perspective, the
trend
Use synonyms
 is considered a positive improvement ,which paves the way for responsible citizens ,with
amaizing
Correct your spelling
amazing
 monetary management
skills
Use synonyms
.
To begin
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, the
trend
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 sheds light on its constructive nature. More positively, spare
time
Use synonyms
money making
Correct your spelling
money-making
 would lead youngsters to understand the value of
piscal
Correct your spelling
physical
 assets ,and at the same
time
Use synonyms
how
Punctuation problem
, how
show examples
should they
Correct word order
they should
show examples
 struggle to earn money.
As a result
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, they become more independent ,and learn to live without
been
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 a burden to their parent ,even in their young ages. In comparison, children who depend on their guardians tend to rely on their parents ,which can
showcases
Wrong verb form
showcase
show examples
 negative outcomes ,
due to
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 unexpected conditions or the
collapses
Check wording
collapse
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 of parental shelters.
For example
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,
according to
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 a psychologists individuals who
uncovered
Verb problem
are exposed
show examples
 to social settings to earn money ,
while
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 studying posses a high degree of self-esteem ,which would drive them to secure their opportunities.
Further
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, they extract that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
such
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 individuals get
valuable
Rephrase
more valuable
show examples
 experience than
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
other students ,which can give be a extra boost to
simulate
Verb problem
develop
show examples
 their personalities. It is worth mentioning the fact that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
such
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highly
Correct article usage
a highly
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 skilled workforce can be
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 contributory factor for economic growth. More positively, these courageous civilians
posses
Correct your spelling
possess
time
Use synonyms
 management
skills
Use synonyms
 ,communication
skills
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 ,quick
decision taking
Correct your spelling
decision-taking
 techniques
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along
Punctuation problem
, along
show examples
 with the piscal management potentionals.
As a result
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, their nations tend to secure
strong
Correct article usage
a strong
show examples
 workforce
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
with positive attitudes. More interestingly, the
trend
Use synonyms
 can lead to sustainable development ,with
low
Correct article usage
a low
show examples
 rate of unemployment.
For example
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,
this
Linking Words
trend
Use synonyms
 can be seen in Japan, the USA, Australia, Canada ,and other European countries
since
Change preposition
for
show examples
 ages ,which is considered a positive development.
Further
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,
according to
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 the economic statistics, most novel business ideas and innovations are generated by these young
entreprenures
Correct your spelling
entrepreneurs
,which pave
for
Check wording
the way for
show examples
 them to be
billioniers
Correct your spelling
billionaires
. Looking from an
overall
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 perspective, it is evident that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 ‘Change is inevitable’. In that aspect, every student, communal figure ,and governing body should recognise the advantageous outcomes of being occupied
while
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 learning in high schools.
Furthermore
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, every undergraduate should
plays
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
 their roles wisely to secure their educational and career opportunities. At the same
time
Use synonyms
, students should step forward to inculcate
skills
Use synonyms
, practical knowledge and attitudes by employing in young
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
 to be independent citizens.

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task response
Answer the question more directly. Say clearly why part-time work in high school is better, and keep this idea strong in all body parts.
task response
Use simpler and clearer main ideas. Some points are hard to understand because many long phrases are not natural.
task response
Give one or two clear examples with full detail. Your Japan and USA example is relevant, but it needs more explanation.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph focus on one main point only. This will make your essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Words like 'more positively', 'further', and 'in comparison' are not always natural here.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar, because unclear sentences hurt flow and make your ideas harder to connect.
task response
You answer the task and clearly choose one side.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You try to support your ideas with examples about money, skills, and countries.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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