IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Children
Use synonyms
 may significantly shape the world. Several individuals believe that
parents
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 must teach their
children
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 how to be influential
members
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 of the community.
In contrast
Linking Words
, other people suppose that
school
Use synonyms
 is the finest choice for learning
this
Linking Words
.
While
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school
Use synonyms
 might considerably enhance
children
Use synonyms
's learning of how to be good
members
Use synonyms
 of
society
Use synonyms
 through tasks,
parents
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 may become
role
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 models in their
children
Use synonyms
's lives, teaching them without lessons. It is commonly believed that
school
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 can improve
children
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's skills
on how to be
Change preposition
in being
show examples
 influential
members
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 of the community through tasks. It becomes obvious that as long as schools take responsibility for kids,
such
Linking Words
 as with
members
Use synonyms
 of a book club, it will probably teach influence in the world, owing to valuable and effective small tasks that help them learn responsibilities, which affects
society
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.
For example
Linking Words
, my young brother
who
Punctuation problem
, who
show examples
 joined the book
club
Punctuation problem
club,
show examples
 became dependent on people;
moreover
Linking Words
, he became different, which contributed to
society
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.
In addition
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,
parents
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 consider themselves
role
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 models for
children
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.
This
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 mainly becomes true if
children
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 see their
parents
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 influencing the community; they will probably change their
society
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 for the better.
For instance
Linking Words
, a study has shown that a lot of
children
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 become like their
parents
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; namely, the doctors of their
parents
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 become their
children
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's doctors. In the end,
parents
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 play a crucial
role
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 in
children
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's lives. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 schools affect life for
children
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, like taking responsibility in
school
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,
parents
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 have a big
role
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 in their
children
Use synonyms
's lives.

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task response
Answer both sides more clearly. Say why parents are best and why school is best, then give your own view in a direct way.
task response
Your ideas are sometimes hard to follow because some words do not fit the topic well, like 'influential members' and 'teach influence in the world'. Use simple and exact ideas such as 'good members of society' and 'learn right and wrong'.
task response
Give stronger examples. Your book club example is not very clear, and the study about children and parents is not explained enough.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic shape: intro, two body parts, and conclusion. This is good.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. Some links are fine, but a few sentences are too long and confusing. Make shorter sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Support each main point more fully. Add one clear reason and one clear example in each body part.
task response
You discussed both views, so you answered the main task.
task response
You gave your opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has clear paragraphs, which helps the reader.
coherence and cohesion
There is a beginning, middle, and end, so the structure is easy to see.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
What to do next:
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