IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Children
Use synonyms
 may significantly shape the world of the future. Several individuals believe that
parents
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 must teach their
children
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 how to be influential
members
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 of the community.
In contrast
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, other people suppose that
school
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 is the finest choice for learning
this
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.
While
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school
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 might considerably enhance
children
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's learning of how to be good
members
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 of
society
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 through tasks,
parents
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 may become
role
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 models in their
children
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's lives, teaching them without lessons. It is commonly believed that
school
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 can improve
children
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's skills in being influential
members
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 of the community through tasks. It becomes obvious that as long as schools take responsibility for kids,
such
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 as with
members
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 of a book club, it will probably teach influence in the world, owing to valuable and effective small tasks that help them learn responsibilities, which affects
society
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.
For example
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, my young brother , who joined the book club, became dependent on people;
moreover
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, he became different, which contributed to
society
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.
In addition
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,
parents
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 consider themselves
role
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 models for
children
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.
This
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 mainly becomes true if
children
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 see their
parents
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 influencing the community; they will probably change their
society
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 for the better.
For instance
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, a study has shown that a lot of
children
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 become like their
parents
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; namely, the doctors of their
parents
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 become their
children
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's doctors. In the end,
parents
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 play a crucial
role
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 in
children
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's lives. In conclusion,
although
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 schools affect life for
children
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, like taking responsibility in
school
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,
parents
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 have a big
role
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 in their
children
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's lives.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You talk about school and parents, but your own view is not very clear.
task response
Add a clear opinion in the introduction and keep it the same in the conclusion.
task response
Explain ideas more. Some points are too general, so the reader cannot fully see why they are true.
task response
Use examples that are clear and fit the topic well. Some examples now sound unclear or not fully linked.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a good basic shape: introduction, body, and conclusion. Keep this structure.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more clearly. Some sentences are hard to follow because the meaning changes too fast.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph so the main idea is easy to see.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each example supports the point before it. At times, the support is weak or unclear.
task response
You discussed both views, so you understood the task.
task response
You gave at least one example, which helps support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You used paragraphs, and this helps the reader follow the essay.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
What to do next:
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