IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for government to impose higher taxes on this kind of food. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

In the contemporary era, junk
food
Use synonyms
 has become a routine
meal
Check wording
part
show examples
 of human life.
As a result
Linking Words
, some folks believe that ruling parties should increase the
taxs
Correct your spelling
taxes
 on these
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of items. I strongly accept
this
Linking Words
 thinking and I will state the reasons behind my choice in
this
Linking Words
 essay below.
Firstly
Linking Words
, with the
widespred
Correct your spelling
widespread
 of internet and social media,
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation is getting
mor
Correct your spelling
more
 influenced by
foof
Correct your spelling
food
 bloggers and influencers who promote street
food
Use synonyms
. Their way of
advertisement
Replace the word
advertising
 attracts youth towards fast
food
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, we see many street
food
Use synonyms
 stalls around corporate offices.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it has
also
Linking Words
seen
Verb problem
been seen
show examples
 that today's generation is facing severe health issues because of eating fast these things in their brunch, lunch or dinner.
For example
Linking Words
, a report of the indian health organizaton has mentioned that the ratio of fatty
lever
Use the right word
liver
show examples
 cases has increased by 33% in the past 5 years in the country. Imposing more taxes on these items will make them costlier. It will restrict corporate employees
to buy
Change preposition
from buying
show examples
 them, and encourage them to have
home made
Correct your spelling
homemade
food
Use synonyms
in their
Change preposition
for
show examples
 lunch.
Secondly
Linking Words
, it has
also
Linking Words
seen
Verb problem
been seen
show examples
 that
due to
Linking Words
 tight
word
Use the right word
work
show examples
 schedule, couples don't get enough time to prepare
meal
Correct article usage
a meal
show examples
 at home. Nowadays, many shops and restaurants are available
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 sell these
food
Use synonyms
 items.
For instance
Linking Words
, as per the
survay
Correct your spelling
survey
 of
times
Fix capitalization
Times
show examples
 of
india
Fix capitalization
India
show examples
, 3 out of 4 small families have fast
food
Use synonyms
 as their dinner in a week, resulting
to
Change preposition
in an
show examples
 increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 poisoning and
hospitalization
Change the spelling
hospitalisation
show examples
 cases.
more
Fix capitalization
More
show examples
 taxes can change
mindset
Correct article usage
the mindset
show examples
 and lifestyle of people. In a nutshell,
incresed
Correct your spelling
increased
 government taxes
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 the only way to restrict fast
food
Use synonyms
 consumption.
This
Linking Words
 can
also
Linking Words
 improve their lifestyle
as well as
Linking Words
health
Correct determiner usage
their health
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Give a more clear answer to the question all through the essay, not only in the start and end.
task response
Explain your main ideas more. Show how and why higher tax will help people eat less fast food.
task response
Be careful with very strong ideas like 'the only way' because this is too big and not well proved.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body part.
coherence and cohesion
Connect ideas in a more smooth way. Some lines jump too fast from one point to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each example clearly supports the main point in that part.
task response
You answered the question and gave a clear opinion: you agree with higher tax on fast food.
task response
You used examples and numbers to support your ideas, which helps your essay feel real.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic shape: introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Words like 'Firstly', 'Secondly', and 'In a nutshell' help show the order of ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • fast food
  • health problems
  • high in fat, sugar and salt
  • become overweight
  • heart disease
  • public health
  • impose higher taxes
  • reduce consumption
  • change eating habits
  • medical costs
  • healthy diet
  • food labels
  • low-income families
  • cheap and convenient
  • long-term solution
  • take responsibility
  • government policy
  • access to healthy food
  • partly agree
  • a wider plan
What to do next:
Look at other essays: