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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The pie chart below show the average house hold expenditures im Japan and Malaysia.

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The Diagram depicts
Japan
Use synonyms
 and
Malaysia
Use synonyms
’s average household expenditures in the year 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is crystal clear that
Japan
Use synonyms
 is superior in transport, health care and other
goods
Use synonyms
 and
services
Use synonyms
expenditures
Punctuation problem
expenditures,
show examples
while
Linking Words
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 prevails in housing and food.
As regarding with
Change preposition
Regarding
show examples
 individual countries,
Japan
Use synonyms
 was cited as the paramount expense of other
goods
Use synonyms
 and
services
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 reached its maximum threshold by
prioritizing
Change the spelling
prioritising
show examples
 housing. Comprehensively,
Japanese
Correct article usage
the Japanese
show examples
 spent 29% of their budget
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 other
goods
Use synonyms
 and
services
Use synonyms
, followed by food expenses
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 accounted for 24%,
along with
Linking Words
 housing
that
Correct pronoun usage
, which
show examples
 comprised 21%.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
Malaysia
Use synonyms
privileges
Verb problem
prioritises
show examples
 housing by sharing 34% of
their
Fix the agreement mistake
its
show examples
 expenditures,
as well as
Linking Words
 food
making
Punctuation problem
, making
show examples
 up 27%,
coupled with
Linking Words
 other
goods
Use synonyms
 and
services
Use synonyms
 constituting 26%, respectively. In terms of the least preferred expenditure
in
Punctuation problem
, in
show examples
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 was for transport
amounting
Punctuation problem
, amounting
show examples
 to 10%.
Japan
Use synonyms
,
on the other hand
Linking Words
, spent twice as much on transport as
Malaysia
Use synonyms
.
Finally
Linking Words
, health care was the least prevalent expenditure in both countries, standing at 6% for
Japan
Use synonyms
,
together with
Linking Words
 3% for
Malaysia
Use synonyms
.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words japan, goods, services, malaysia with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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