IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many professional sports, there is an increase in the number of athletes using banned substances. What are the causes of this phonomenon and what are the some of possible solution

In the contemporary era, a growing number of
players
Use synonyms
 consume banned substances in their professional sports.
This
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 essay will
analyze
Change the spelling
analyse
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 the causative factors behind the scenario
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 some measures will be outlined to combat the issue.
To begin
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 with, one of the main reasons is the intense competition
due to
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globalization
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globalisation
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.
Players
Use synonyms
 are under pressure to compete with other teams,
which
Correct word choice
so
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 they start to consume prohibited drugs to stimulate their performance.
This
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 can help them to boost their energy level and muscle strength
artifically
Use the right word
artificially
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, thereby taking unfair advantages. To exemplify, Anabolic Steroids is quite renowned substance among athletes in some parts of the world because
this
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 ingredient normally boosts their physical performance to win their sports. In
this
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 way,
this
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 situation encourages athletes to
cosume prohibied
Correct your spelling
consume prohibited
 drugs
Moreover
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, some body tests on
players
Use synonyms
 should be conducted to mitigate the issue. If banned drugs are found in their body, they should not be allowed to play their games for the rest of
life
Fix the agreement mistake
their lives
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, leading to
discourage
Wrong verb form
discouraging
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 them to cosume the substances. To illustrate, in India, the predicament was significantly escalated
before a
Change preposition
over the past
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 decade;
however
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, some medical experts have been employed by the state to carry out different
samples
Check wording
tests
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 on them, including blood, urine and biological tests.
As a result
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, a number of athletes usually avoid
to use
Wrong verb form
using
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 them.
Therefore
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, the concern can be solved.
To conclude
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, cut-throat competition is the primary cause
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 which can exert pressure on
players
Use synonyms
 to
intake the
Verb problem
take
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 illegal substances. The problem cannot be solved until regular drug tests of them can be carried out.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain the cause well, but the solution part is short and has only one main idea.
task response
Add one more clear solution, such as better education, stronger rules, or team support.
task response
Make your ideas more clear with simple and direct sentences. Some parts are hard to follow because of grammar and word choice.
task response
Use examples that feel more real and exact. Your examples help, but they are a bit general.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Some sentences jump too fast from one point to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Develop each main point more. After you give a cause or solution, explain it one more step.
coherence and cohesion
Be careful with repeated words and unclear references like 'them' or 'this situation'. Use clear nouns more often.
task response
You answer the topic and stay on the main issue through the essay.
task response
You include both a cause and a solution, so the essay is complete at a basic level.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction gives the topic clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion matches your main ideas and ends the essay clearly.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphing, which helps the reader follow your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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