IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people feel that paparazzi should not follow celebrities and invade their privacy by taking pictures of them everywhere, while others believe this is just the price of fame. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer, and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

During
Change preposition
Throughout
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 the
whole
Correct word choice
apply
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history of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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humanity, there
were
Wrong verb form
have
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 always
Use synonyms
people
Verb problem
been people
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 who received a lot of attention from others.
Consequently
Linking Words
, there were
people
Use synonyms
 who took advantage of those admirers to make a fortune. Nowadays, it is debatable
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 whether
such
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 fortune seekers are crossing the boundaries of human right on privacy. On the one side of the
barricades
Add a comma
barricades,
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 there are
people
Use synonyms
 who
beleive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that journalists should not invade the private
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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famous actors or singers. They are concerned that making photographs of the stars, whether it is in the street or at
the
Correct article usage
a
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 restaurant, only
harm
Correct subject-verb agreement
harms
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 the industry.
Furthermore
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, it just removes any possibility for celebrities to have a normal life, which can impact their personality and their work for
worse
Correct article usage
the worse
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.
For instance
Linking Words
,
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
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 days we can see many famous
people
Use synonyms
 reacting inappriately on the
paparazzis
Check wording
paparazzi
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 in public, which leads to receiving a decent chunk of hate over the internet towards them. On the other
side
Add a comma
side,
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 there are the ones
whos
Correct your spelling
whose
 opinion is that
this
Linking Words
 is the fair price to be paid for being famous. They have more radical views toward the
people
Use synonyms
 who
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 more fame. And they would prefer to see some
inaaproriate
Correct your spelling
inappropriate
 photos of their favourite actors, rather than continue to admire them. In my opinion, it should never cross the borders of human rights. There are many events where journalists can take their pictures without
braking
Verb problem
breaching
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 the privacy of the celebrities.
For example
Linking Words
, the red carpet events or similar. The resulting photos should be sufficient for the public, and most
people
Use synonyms
 prefer those kinds of photographs over some dirt in
yellow
Correct article usage
the yellow
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 press. There always will be innormously famous lot,
as well as
Linking Words
 the
people
Use synonyms
 who
loves
Correct subject-verb agreement
love
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 them, and the ones who
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
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 a living on the latter ones. There is nothing we can do about it.
Nevertheless
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, what we can influence
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 are the laws that prevent any invasion into the private life of any person,
whethere
Correct your spelling
whether
 they are celebrities or just
a
Correct article usage
apply
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regular
people
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You talk about each side, but the second side is too short.
task response
Make your opinion very clear in the introduction too, not only in the end.
task response
Use more clear examples to support your ideas. Your red carpet example is good, but one more example would help.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each paragraph and explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully, like 'on the one hand', 'on the other hand', 'for example', and 'however'.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the meaning is not fully clear. Keep sentences shorter and simpler.
task response
You discuss both sides and give your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, body, and ending.
task response
You try to use examples to support your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • invasion of privacy
  • personal space
  • media scrutiny
  • mental health
  • public figures
  • relentless pursuit
  • legal implications
  • ethical considerations
  • tabloid journalism
  • financial gain
  • public interest
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