IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that advertising is a major factor in driving consumer demand. Others believe that consumers are becoming more immune to advertising. Discuss both views and give your opinion

In the past few years
advertisment
Use synonyms
 has
taking
Wrong verb form
taken
show examples
 a shift
due to
Linking Words
 social
media
Use synonyms
 and the
media
Use synonyms
 in
general
Punctuation problem
general,
show examples
 so it increased the chances of
runing
Correct your spelling
running
 into an
Use synonyms
advertisment
Correct your spelling
advertisement
 more than before, which increased the amount of income for companies
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 doing a simple video or an image. First Advertising in the past few years
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 taken over every platform you could imagine
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it
became
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 easier for
people
Use synonyms
 to get introduced to new
products
Use synonyms
 from a single video or a single search. And they can get easily influenced by that so the companies increased their invesnment in
advertisment
Use synonyms
 in social
media
Use synonyms
 platforms and
also
Linking Words
 they pay influencers by giving them the
products
Use synonyms
 and asking them to promote it to general, so i think
people
Use synonyms
 can be easily influenced if you do it in the right way
for example
Linking Words
products
Use synonyms
 like makeup lipsticks or foundations they sell quickly from influencers or celebrities wearing them and i have bought many
products
Use synonyms
 from ads in social
media
Use synonyms
. Second
people
Use synonyms
 can become immune to online advvertisment
due to
Linking Words
 various reasons
such
Linking Words
 as false
advertisment
Use synonyms
 if they are promised something and the
product
Use synonyms
 does not provide it to them it can be frastruting, and
this
Linking Words
 scenario happens a lot nowadays with using AI to create an epic
product
Use synonyms
 that could solve the problem that the consumer is facing and the consumer buys it and it does not deliver the promised value.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 one influencer
she
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
promoted a mascara
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
then
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 figured out that she was using false lashes in the video
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
this
Linking Words
 shows the consumers that ads
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 not to be trusted. In my opinion i think companies should stop paying a lot of money on false
Use synonyms
advertisment
Correct your spelling
advertisement
 and
instead
Linking Words
 pay money on improving their
products
Use synonyms
, and not to use AI in the process because it can never match the
advertisments
Correct your spelling
advertisements
 that
people
Use synonyms
 want.
Linking Words
Lastly
Add a comma
Lastly,
show examples
 we talked about
Use synonyms
advertisment
Correct your spelling
advertisement
 and the two different scenarios that
people
Use synonyms
 feel
to
Change preposition
about
show examples
 an
Use synonyms
advertisment some
Punctuation problem
advertisement. Some
show examples
 of them believe it and find it amusing and helpful, and others feel like ads
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 just a way to promote a
product
Use synonyms
 and the
product
Use synonyms
 would not deliver the value that they want.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both sides more evenly. You wrote more about ads working than about people becoming immune.
task response
Make your opinion very clear in one full sentence in the introduction and again in the conclusion.
task response
Explain your main ideas more. Some points are good, but they need one more line to show why they matter.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer paragraph focus. One main idea for each body paragraph helps the reader follow your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, however, for example, as a result, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Check long sentences. Some are too long and hard to follow, so break them into two shorter sentences.
task response
You discussed both views and gave your opinion, so you answered the question.
task response
You used real and clear examples, like influencers, makeup, and false lashes.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic shape: introduction, two body parts, opinion, and ending.
coherence and cohesion
Most ideas follow a logical order from one paragraph to the next.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: