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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries, more and more people are hiring a personal fitness trainer, rather than playing sports or doing exercise classes. What are the reasons for this? Is this a positive or a negative development?

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In recent years, personal training has become increasingly popular compared to playing sports with others. There is a growing debate about whether hiring
personal
Correct article usage
a personal
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trainer
Use synonyms
 makes
people
Use synonyms
 depressed and even
independent
Rephrase
more independent
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. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that exercising with
personal
Correct article usage
a personal
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trainer
Use synonyms
 may give professional and private services,
While
Linking Words
 Others argue that
this
Linking Words
 type of training can make
people
Use synonyms
 isolated and depressed. In my opinion, personal training has a lot of advantages
rather than
Change preposition
over
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 group exercise.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both views and give my opinion.

One main reason is that personal fitness allows
people
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 to receive more
personalized
Change the spelling
personalised
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 training.
This
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 is because personal training is usually done alone with
Use synonyms
trainer
Correct article usage
a trainer
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.
Although
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people
Use synonyms
 can make
relationship
Correct article usage
a relationship
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 with
Use synonyms
trainer
Correct article usage
a trainer
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,
Use synonyms
people
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 may lose the opportunity to
become socialization
Replace the word
socialise
 with others.
For example
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who hire a personal fitness
trainer
Use synonyms
 exercise independently with only
Use synonyms
trainer
Correct article usage
the trainer
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 without other members.
As a result
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,
people
Use synonyms
 may feel depressed.


However
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, not everyone agrees with
this
Linking Words
 idea. One major advantage is that
people
Use synonyms
 can receive high-quality training rather than group sessions. Because
Use synonyms
trainer
Correct article usage
the trainer
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 can focus on only one person during
session
Correct article usage
the session
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,
people
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 can take immediate feedback. At the same
time
Add a comma
time,
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people
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 can take training in
flexible
Correct article usage
a flexible
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 schedule
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is not fixed and focused on only them.
In addition
Linking Words
, personal fitness can be especially helpful for introverted
people
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. They may feel uncomfortable and shy in group training. So personal training is a better
options
Fix the agreement mistake
option
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 for them.

In conclusion,
Linking Words
Although
Fix capitalization
although
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 personal training can reduce the opportunities for social interaction, it offers
professional
Correct article usage
a professional
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 and flexible schedule for them.
Linking Words
Therefore
Punctuation problem
Therefore,
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 I believe that it is a positive development.

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task response
Answer both parts more clearly: give reasons why people choose a trainer, and then say why this is good or bad.
task response
Your main idea is clear, but some parts do not fully explain the question. Stay close to the topic in each paragraph.
task response
Use one or two simple and clear examples that directly support your points.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas repeat, such as being alone with a trainer. Try to add new support, not the same point again.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly with simple words like first, also, however, and as a result.
task response
You answered the question and gave your opinion.
task response
You included both sides before your final view.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main idea.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • personalized workout plans
  • tailored
  • efficient
  • awareness
  • physical health
  • motivation
  • guidance
  • convenience
  • flexibility
  • exclusivity
  • status symbol
  • inaccessible
  • community engagement
  • social interaction
  • health outcomes
  • personal achievement
  • health-conscious
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