IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people believe that women make better parents than men and that is why they have the greater role in raising children in most societies. Others claim that men are just as good as women at parenting. Write an essay expressing your point of view. Give reasons for your answers and provide relevant example and experience you might have.

There are two schools of thought on whether
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
both
Use synonyms
 opposite gender men and women are
similarly
Linking Words
 good at parenting. I firmly
belief
Replace the word
believe
 that
both
Use synonyms
 are solely related to parenting and equally good
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, some might oppose it. First and foremost,
either
Correct word choice
neither
show examples
 male
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
neither
Correct word choice
nor
show examples
 female can
not
Rephrase
apply
show examples
make a good
parenting
Replace the word
parent
 because the word 'parent' constructs with
both
Use synonyms
gender
Fix the agreement mistake
genders
show examples
. If
both
Use synonyms
 of them become cooperative
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 each
others
Check wording
other's deeds
show examples
deed
Punctuation problem
deed,
show examples
then
Linking Words
 the
child
Use synonyms
 might have a good environment to grow up.
For instance
Linking Words
, when the mother goes out for work
Linking Words
this
Punctuation problem
, this
show examples
 time the
child
Use synonyms
enjoy
Correct subject-verb agreement
enjoys
show examples
 the time with
father
Correct article usage
the father
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 on
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand, when the father goes out
Linking Words
this
Punctuation problem
, this
show examples
 time mothers' companion is enjoyable
Linking Words
similarly
Punctuation problem
, similarly
show examples
 to children. By doing
this
Linking Words
, a
child
Use synonyms
 can become
use
Wrong verb form
used
show examples
 to
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
companion
Check wording
company
show examples
 of
both
Use synonyms
 mother and father.
However
Linking Words
, we should escape from the social stigma
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
another fact that
arise
Correct subject-verb agreement
arises
show examples
 the debate in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
that
Change preposition
about
show examples
 who is good at parenting. People think women are born to be
a housemaker
Fix the agreement mistake
housewives
show examples
 and
that is
Linking Words
 why
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
women
always
Verb problem
are always
show examples
 bound
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 household chores. We are now living
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the era of modern technology
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 some people of under developing countries can not think out of the box during
this
Linking Words
 era. They do not have any idea
about that
Change preposition
apply
show examples
how
much
Rephrase
apply
show examples
good a man is at parenting because of their lack of knowledge.
Last
Linking Words
 but not least, Men are generally busy
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
earning
money
Use synonyms
 for their family
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is
also
Linking Words
 a matter of good parenting. A men earn
money
Use synonyms
 so that he can make his
child
Use synonyms
 happy by fulfilling his
child
Use synonyms
's demand
such
Linking Words
 as buying toys, travelling somewhere or having delicious
foods
Check wording
food
show examples
. These joys can not
bring
Wrong verb form
be brought
show examples
 without
money
Use synonyms
. So there is no doubt that earning
money
Use synonyms
 to have these happy moments in a
child
Use synonyms
's life
what
Correct pronoun usage
, which
show examples
 comes from a man's earning is
also
Linking Words
 keenly related to
make a
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 good parenting. In view of the aforementioned facts and circumstances, there is no doubt that
both
Use synonyms
gender
Fix the agreement mistake
genders
show examples
 can become good at
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 parenting for
Use synonyms
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 in
this
Linking Words
 modern century.

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task response
Answer the question more directly. Say clearly why men and women are equally good parents.
task response
Give one or two clear main ideas, then explain each one well.
task response
Use examples that are more specific and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, for example, however, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow. Write shorter sentences with clear meaning.
task response
You clearly give your opinion that men and women can both be good parents.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You try to use examples from family life to support your ideas.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • parenting
  • nurturing
  • paternal
  • maternal
  • societal expectations
  • gender roles
  • co-parenting
  • emotional intelligence
  • child-rearing
  • caregiver
  • egalitarian
  • stereotype
  • nuclear family
  • single parent
  • shared custody
  • bonding
  • child development
  • primary caregiver
  • compassionate
  • empathetic
What to do next:
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