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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays some parents put a lot of pressure on their children to succeed. What are the reasons? Is this a positive or a negative development?

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In recent years, many parents have placed significant pressure on their
children
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 to achieve success.
This
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 trend is mainly driven by a competitive world and
to
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the desire to
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 see the achievements of their
children
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. In my opinion,
this
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 is a largely negative development,
although
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 it may bring some limited benefits. In
this
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 contemporary world, most parents concentrate overwhelmingly to personal growth of their offspring. The fundamental reason The reason why
this
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 happens is that parents worry about their
children
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’s future. In most job places, the job acceptance rate declined sharply
due to
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 the density of individuals. People are less likely to be hired nowadays.
For example
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, in Japan, being a janitor requires tons of documents. In order to get a job,
children
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 should
study
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 hard.
On the other hand
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, success demands sufficient amounts of studying. Too much pressure can affect students’ mental health
,
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;
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 extra hours of
study
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 can be a real misery. Studying approximately 3 hours a day is adequate to keep information in mind.
However
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, it’s reckoned that more
study
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 hours equal
to
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apply
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more breakthroughs. But,
this
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 point is inaccurate, actually its opposite. If students
study
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 a particular subject with a heavy burden, there is no point in how much they
study
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. Over time, as it is a day of exams, they would definitely fail.
According to
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 the survey conducted by Cornell University, 80% of students had a passion for entering
this
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 university on their own.
This
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 shows that if a child has intrigue on something, they would absolutely try to achieve it. In conclusion, parents’ support can be a real help for the
children
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, but persuading them with force is unnecessary.

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task response
Answer both parts more clearly. You explain the reasons, but your view on positive or negative needs stronger support in each body part.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main idea easier to follow. Start each body paragraph with one clear point, then add simple support.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way, such as first, also, however, and therefore.
task response
Give examples that are more direct and easy to believe. Some examples now feel unclear or too general.
coherence and cohesion
Keep your ideas focused. A few sentences move away from the main point or are hard to connect.
task response
You clearly introduce the topic and give your opinion in the first paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear ending paragraph with your final view.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a basic paragraph structure, which helps the reader follow your ideas.
task response
You try to include examples and explanation, which is good for task response.
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