IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, people are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should increase the price of fattening foods to encourage a healthier lifestyle. To what extent do you agree or disagree?"

In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recent years, many nations
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 struggling with obesity.
In
Linking Words
addition
Add a comma
addition,
show examples
 some people argue that officials must allocate sugar taxes in order to tackle
this
Linking Words
 issue. I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 solution
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 there are many measures to follow which could assist governments
to solve
Change preposition
in solving
show examples
this
Linking Words
 problem. First of all, many individuals might stop buying unhealthy items when their prices become higher.
As a result
Linking Words
, the rates of obesity in different age groups will significantly decrease.
Also
Linking Words
, building more facilities
such
Linking Words
 as
sport centers
Correct your spelling
sports centres
 is a crucial factor to help citizens exercise and stay in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good shape.
For instance
Linking Words
, in the UK , people have noticed a significant decline in overweight rates among teenagers after adding extra sport classess in their school schedules. Another point to consider is that raising awareness among society members about the necessity
of following
Change preposition
Following
show examples
 a balanced diet will make a huge
different
Replace the word
difference
. Teachers should advise their students to maintain a healthy diet and avoid eating junk food , so they can improve their mental and physical health.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, parents play a key role in enhancing their
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
 healthy habits as these habits should start from home.They must be more strict about prevent consuming too much sugar in their daily meals.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they can avoid many serious diseases and establish a healthy lifestyle for future
genetations
Correct your spelling
generations
. In conclusion, I think governments could control the
numbers
Check wording
number
show examples
 of obesity in their countries by
allocate
Wrong verb form
allocating
show examples
 sugar taxes and raising awareness.
However
Linking Words
, parents have a primary role in preventing and
solve
Wrong verb form
solving
show examples
this
Linking Words
 negative issue by
guide
Wrong verb form
guiding
show examples
 their children and observing their daily habits and meals

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer the question more directly. You agree, but you should say how far you agree and stay focused on food price and health.
task response
Add one more clear example about higher prices on unhealthy food. Your UK example is good, but it is about sport class, not food tax.
task response
Develop each main idea more. Explain why sugar tax works and how it changes food choices.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer linking words between ideas. This will help the essay move in a smoother way.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. The first body paragraph mixes food price and sport centers.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence breaks and spacing. Some lines join too fast, and this makes reading harder.
task response
You have a clear opinion from the start, and this helps the reader understand your position.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
Most ideas are linked to health and obesity, so the essay stays on the topic.
coherence and cohesion
You use basic linkers like first of all, another point, furthermore, and in conclusion.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: