IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Write both point of views and state your opinion.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Try for free →
It is a common debate that famous athletes may have much higher salaries than other adults who work in
another
Correct determiner usage
other
show examples
 areas. Both arguments have valid evidence;
however
Linking Words
, it's not wrong to
emphasize
Change the spelling
emphasise
show examples
 that
people
Use synonyms
 who have a definite success in sports
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
tend to be rich ultimately,
while
Linking Words
 other
people
Use synonyms
 may not earn as much as them even though they are successful. That's why I am confident to argue that athletes earn greater money than other
people
Use synonyms
 who
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
work in other important professions. First of all,
according to
Linking Words
 one of the most credible sports
magazine
Fix the agreement mistake
magazines
show examples
 in Turkey, which is called "Spor Zamanı",%70 of the richest
people
Use synonyms
 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
earth are
sport
Check wording
sports
show examples
 professionals.
This
Linking Words
 data is quite an important amount considering
this
Linking Words
 group consists
many
Change preposition
of many
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 who are proffesionals of important areas,
such
Linking Words
 as businessmen, CEO's, and
real-estate
Correct your spelling
real estate
 economists. Writer Jeffrey Smith, who is
also
Linking Words
 a licensed tennis player, suggested that the average numbers which tennis
players
Use synonyms
 earn after they win a match or a tournament
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 20
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 higher than
average
Correct article usage
the average
show examples
 numbers which business owners earn after they sign an important contract.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, in 2020, famous Sociologist Efe Altındağ conducted
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
research
amoung
Correct your spelling
among
 20 basketball
players
Use synonyms
 and 20 businessmen, concluding that sportsmen are less likely to increase their savings compared to businessmen.
Also
Linking Words
, basketball
players
Use synonyms
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
tend to
loose
Use the right word
lose
show examples
 most of their money because of their gambling addiction, which is a common addiction for athletes
according to
Linking Words
researchs
Check wording
research
show examples
, decreasing
sport
Check wording
sports
show examples
players
Use synonyms
'
overall
Linking Words
 wealth.
Although
Linking Words
 there are several evidence against my argument, it's still possible to state that sports professionals can earn great deals, since they are the majority of the group of richest
people
Use synonyms
 on earth.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Write both sides in a more even way. Now, your essay shows your view more than the other side.
task response
Make your opinion very clear in the introduction and keep the same idea through the whole essay.
task response
Give examples that feel real and clear. Some examples now seem too general or not easy to trust.
coherence and cohesion
Add one full paragraph for the other view, then one full paragraph for your own view.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words like First, On the other hand, and In the end to guide the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each paragraph has one main idea and that all sentences support it.
task response
You answered the topic and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
There is a clear introduction and a short conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You used paragraphing, which helps the reader follow your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: