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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, people spend a great deal of time sitting, leading to health problems. Why does this happen? What are the best ways to encourage people to sit less?

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There seems to be a moot point on which obesity and
and
Correct determiner usage
an
show examples
 imbalanced diet are caused among the public in the sedentary lifestyle in
this
Linking Words
 hectic era. Presumably, several factors could be hidden (lie) behind it
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as technological advancement and excessive working hours, so officials need to find silver bullets in order to assuage the issue without burying their heads
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the sand. Now, I will propose factors and resolutions for arriving at the conclusion in the end. First and foremost, smart gadgets, artificial intelligence and various applications make people allocate a huge amount of
time
Use synonyms
 being sedentary, reducing their engagement in outdoor recreational activities, social interaction or household chores.
In particular
Linking Words
, students in the modern era spend long hours sitting in front of
desktops
Check wording
desktop
show examples
 screens, often typing, reading and watching their e-contents or assignments.
As a result
Linking Words
, teenagers become obese and develop a hunchback or suffer from back pain at an early age.
Thus
Linking Words
, it is high
time
Use synonyms
 to figure out a magnet bullet at once. To do so, parents and schools should promote positive habits, including participating in sports and regular
Use synonyms
exercises
Check wording
exercise
show examples
 throughout the day. According
a
Change preposition
to a
show examples
recent survey, more than 75% of Chinese educational centres have implemented
timetable
Correct article usage
a timetable
show examples
 for physical
exercises
Use synonyms
 in the whole
schools
Check wording
school
show examples
, scheduled before morning classes, after lunch and in the late afternoon. If
such
Linking Words
 activities hadn’t
organized
Wrong verb form
been organised
show examples
, many teenagers would have been obese. It is all I have suggested prior to putting forward another factor and measure. When it comes to proposing the second reason with
solution
Correct article usage
a solution
show examples
, employees are often required to dedicate an enormous amount of
time
Use synonyms
 to their duties.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, they tend to remain seated for long periods without noticing how much
time
Use synonyms
 they waste on
competing
Verb problem
completing
show examples
 their tasks. In turn, many of them suffer from digestive issues
particularly
Punctuation problem
, particularly
show examples
 gut problems and imbalanced eating habits. To cite my friend’s company as an example, she never leaves her office during lunch and rarely takes breaks
due to
Linking Words
hectic
Correct determiner usage
her hectic
show examples
 schedule.
Instead
Linking Words
 of being physically active, her staff usually order junk food and sugary snacks, without even being aware of what they are
concuming
Correct your spelling
consuming
. Based on
this
Linking Words
 paradigm, human resource departments are
mandatory
Replace the word
required
 to initiate wellness programs
such
Linking Words
 as yoga,
exercises
Use synonyms
 and motivational talks by inviting professional coaches and mentors.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they should develop a habit of taking frequent breaks to do some
streching
Use the right word
stretching
show examples
 or simple workouts.
This
Linking Words
 can be considered the most pragmatic solution. Taking everything above into
last
Linking Words
 but not least conclusion, it is likely that human resource experts are obliged to implement strategies, including yoga sessions, workout programs and motivational talks by inviting professional coaches and trainers to the workplace when empoyees are too busy to leave the office
whereas
Linking Words
 parents and schools should encourage positive habits by promoting sports and teach them how to do
exercises
Use synonyms
 frequently a day in that there are 2 stable reasons including technological overconsumption and the excessive
time
Use synonyms
 workers dedicate to their duties. (
This
Linking Words
 is
esseantial
Correct your spelling
essential
 because there are 2 main reasons)

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task response
Answer both questions in a more direct way. Say clearly why people sit too much, and then say clearly how to help them sit less.
task response
Use simpler and more exact ideas. Some parts sound too broad or unclear, so your main point is hard to follow.
task response
Give examples, but keep them short and very close to the main idea. Some examples are useful, but some are too long or not fully clear.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph follow one clear plan: reason, explanation, example, solution. This will make your writing easier to read.
coherence and cohesion
Do not use too many long linking words or fixed phrases. They sometimes sound forced and break the flow.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar because some lines are hard to understand, and this hurts connection between ideas.
task response
You answer both parts of the question and give two reasons with two ways to solve the problem.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the basic structure is clear.
task response
You use examples from school and work, and this helps support your ideas.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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