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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that young people should choose the jobs that they want, but other people think they should be more realistic and think more about their future. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Much has been debated over the matter of young
people
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’s future careers.
While
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 many
people
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 argue that jobs should be chosen depending on that person's desires, others contend that jobs should be based on more realistic criteria.
This
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 essay will explore both perspectives, and I will ultimately argue that a
job
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 that satisfies both is a more convincing option. Granted, it is understandable why some individuals might advocate choosing a
job
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 they want. One main reason is that
people
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 need to feel willing to commit to something for the long term. Their
job
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 should be their interest, and going to work should feel like
ease
Correct article usage
an ease
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;
otherwise
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, it will easily
drown
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drain
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 that employee, making them feel bored and uncomfortable whenever going to work.
Moreover
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, it is often believed that doing a
job
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 that we love can benefit our mental health and build our character. The
people
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 we meet and the environment of the workforce can shape the person we become in 5 years by affecting our emotions, way of speaking, and
humour
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sense of humour
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.
This
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 can
also
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 establish meaningful connections, strengthen relationships, and
strong
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form strong
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 bonds between
people
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.
On the other hand
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, having employment that can provide a stable life is
also
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 crucial. The primary reason for
this
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 viewpoint is that a
job
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 should
supply
Verb problem
provide
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 enough to have comfortable living conditions.
However
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, careers
such
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 as dancing, singing, painting, etc., can be risky and unstable
due to
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 the fact that income will depend on that individual’s popularity and the amount of products they produce.
This
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 results in uneven earnings
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 can pose changes in expenditure.
For example
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, an artist’s first product could be a hit and earn them a fortune, which causes them to be overly satisfied and spend loads on unnecessary pleasures;
nevertheless
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, if their subsequent products could not reach
success
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the same level of success
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 as the first one did, it can create problems
such
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 as financial burdens or mental health issues from the
fall out
Correct your spelling
fallout
 of expectation.
Hence
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, it is reasonable
to conclude
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 that choosing both a stable and engaging
job
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 offers a more sustainable solution. In conclusion, I remain convinced that a
job
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 which is preferable and life-long is ultimately more reasonable since it continuously provides motivation and a realistic income.

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task response
Answer both sides more evenly. The first side is clear, but your own view comes late and is a bit short.
task response
Make your opinion very clear in the introduction and keep the same idea in the conclusion.
task response
Use examples that are more real and direct. Your artist example is okay, but it is a bit long and not fully strong.
task response
Some ideas are good, but a few are too broad or not fully linked to the main point about jobs and future.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear 4-part shape: intro, two body parts, and conclusion. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. Some links are good, but some sentences are too long and become hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph and explain it step by step. A few parts move too far from the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Check reference words like 'this' and 'it'. Sometimes the reader may not know what they point to.
task response
You discuss both views and give your own opinion, so you answer the full task.
task response
Your main position is balanced: a good job should match interest and real future needs.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow overall because the order of ideas is clear.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear paragraphing, and you have both an introduction and a conclusion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • job satisfaction
  • skill development
  • market demands
  • financial stability
  • career growth
  • job security
  • income level
  • fulfilling professional life
  • personal happiness
  • career counseling
  • job market trends
  • adaptability
  • work-life balance
  • health implications
  • job automation
  • redundancy
  • emerging technologies
  • stable employment
  • motivated
  • competent
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