IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Sports should be made mandatory for all children as it helps in their physical health. Do you agree or disagree?

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It is often argued that
sports
Use synonyms
 do not play a crucial role in students’ education. Most people agree that descendants must acquire educational skills
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they
also
Linking Words
 believe that physical skills are not mandatory.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, I agree with those who believe the opposite idea is true. Whether rich or poor, it is a well-known fact that educating offspring is the top main focus for every country. I believe we all need to be aware of the good sides of being active at any age. As per recent research, being active can increase the longevity of human life by 40 per cent. There are plenty of benefits
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as better sleep times, positive thoughts, social skills,
sociality
Replace the word
sociability
, and so on. We should teach our descendants that
sports
Use synonyms
 and workouts are essential in our lives
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 everyone should do
this
Linking Words
besides
Linking Words
 being engaged with academic achievement.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it is not only
just
Rephrase
apply
show examples
physical health, but
also
Linking Words
 mental health that
Linking Words
also
Rephrase
apply
show examples
plays a key
status
Check wording
role
show examples
 in children’s lives. It is
also
Linking Words
 proven that healthy and happy brain signals are established after doing a workout or playing a sport. Some pedagogical experts advise that all students must be engaged in numerous
sports
Use synonyms
 like boxing, basketball, tennis, and swimming. The University of East Colorado did a study by comparing a school with play and
without
Correct pronoun usage
one without
show examples
. As we know, the results are extremely positive when offspring are busy with healthy activities. In summary, it proves that developing offspring in
sports
Use synonyms
 and teaching them the importance of being active all day has advantages with no disadvantages.

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task response
Make your main answer more clear in the first paragraph. Say directly that sports should be required for all children.
task response
Stay close to the question. The topic is about making sports mandatory, but you also talk in a wide way about education in general.
task response
Add one clear example from school or daily life to support each main idea.
coherence cohesion
Use topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph so the reader can follow your ideas more easily.
coherence cohesion
Some linking is weak or repetitive. Use simple links like first, also, for example, and in summary.
coherence cohesion
Develop each paragraph more fully. A few ideas are listed, but some are not explained enough.
task response
You give a clear opinion overall, and your position is mostly easy to see.
coherence cohesion
You include both body paragraphs and a conclusion, which gives your essay a full shape.
task response
Your essay has relevant ideas about body health and mind health.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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