IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries there are more young people choosing to enrol in work-based training instead of attending university. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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In recent times, many young
people
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 are enrolling in vocational training rather than attending college for a
four year
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four-year
university
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degree
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.
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Job related
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Job-related
 training
maximizes
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maximises
show examples
 the chances of
people
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 getting a
job
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 and reduces the unemployment rate in a country.
Although
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 there are some who would argue that it would cause a shortage of skilled workers, I firmly believe that specific
work related
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work-related
 training outweighs getting a
university
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degree
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 if managed properly.  One of the
advantage
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advantages
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 of work-based training is that it allows a person to gain experience
on
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in
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 the specific niche in which they want to be employed
in
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apply
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. Unlike
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university
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a university
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degree
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, it does not teach a wide range of subjects. It is focused on starting the
job
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 immediately by gaining only
practical
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the practical
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 experience required for a particular
job
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. It has been proven very effective in reducing unemployment rates and labour
shortages
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 in a number of countries.
For instance
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, Germany and other European nations have started providing specific
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job related
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job-related
 vocational training by establishing dedicated institutions for work-based training. Because of
this
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, the rate of unemployment has declined drastically
and
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, and
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 the economy has prospered as well.
Therefore
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, work-based training is the most effective way of managing the workforce of a country and improving the
job
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 market as well. 
However
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, on the flip side, it has a disadvantage as well
:
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.
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 It might create
shortages
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 of experts in jobs where foundational level knowledge is
also
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 required
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such
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, such
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 as doctors, engineers, and other skilled professions. But
this
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 threat of demand and supply among skilled workers can be managed properly by making the vocational training curriculum flexible.
People
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 who have taken the
work related
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work-related
 training can be allowed to transition to
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university
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a university
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degree
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. In
university
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, they can gain knowledge to transition from niche
skill
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skills
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 gained from work-based training to general
univeristy level
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university-level
 skills.  In the end, it has been proven by countries like Germany that specific
skill based
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skill-based
 training is beneficial for the economy, preventing
job
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shortages
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, and
aid
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aiding
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 unemployed
people
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 as well. The downside of labour shortage in areas requiring
shortages
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which
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, which
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university
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 education helps
with
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with,
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 can
also
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 be controlled with proper planning and including flexibility in vocational training. It is necessary to take necessary steps
while
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 managing the workforce of a country.

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task response
Make your main answer more direct in the first paragraph. Say very clearly why the good points are stronger than the bad points.
task response
Explain your bad point more fully. Now it is short, so the essay feels a little one-sided.
task response
Give one more clear example for the disadvantage, not only for the advantage.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Some parts are clear, but a few lines feel long and heavy.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. This will make your message easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence flow between ideas. A few jumps are a little sudden.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear opinion from the start.
task response
You include a real country example, and this helps your ideas feel strong.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, middle, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Most paragraphs stay on the topic and are easy to follow.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • work-based training
  • enrol
  • university
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • practical skills
  • experience
  • workforce
  • employment
  • earnings
  • opportunities
  • further education
  • theoretical knowledge
  • career options
  • exploitation
  • balance
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