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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that it is the responsibility of individuals to take care of their own health and diet. Others however believe that governments should make sure that their citizens have a healthy diet. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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There is an ongoing debate about whether
individuals
Use synonyms
 are responsible for their well-being and
diet
Use synonyms
, or whether the
government
Use synonyms
 has to take
care
Use synonyms
 of
consumption
Correct article usage
the consumption
show examples
 of the
people
Use synonyms
. I strongly agree with the first point of view for several reasons. On the one hand, the
government
Use synonyms
 shapes the environment
people
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 live in. The main reason is that the
government
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 can easily change the way
people
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 eat by just restricting or taxing junk
food
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 consumption. Since fast
food
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 causes a
food
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 frenzy. If
this
Linking Words
 law comes into
effect
Punctuation problem
effect,
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 citizens will be healthier and
wealth
Correct article usage
the wealth
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 of the
government
Use synonyms
rises
Wrong verb form
will rise
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. Another reason is that
people
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 cannot afford
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
natural
for
Check wording
food for
show examples
theirselves
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
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,
therefore
Linking Words
 the country has to decrease the costs of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy
food
Use synonyms
.
As
Correct word choice
People
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 cannot make healthy choices if healthy options are expensive or unavailable.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 topic has strong arguments, I still side with the
people
Use synonyms
 who think
individuals
Use synonyms
 have to take
care
Use synonyms
 of their lives.
People
Use synonyms
's actions play a crucial role in their
health
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 and
diet
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.
This
Linking Words
 is primarily because they can choose what they will eat today or tomorrow
so
Punctuation problem
, so
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 they are the ones who
care
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 about them.
In other words
Linking Words
, they manage their
diet
Use synonyms
 and
health
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rather
Rephrase
apply
show examples
in the correct way or
wrong
Correct article usage
the wrong
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 way. The next aspect is discipline, because when
people
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 follow some kind of rule or challenge consistently one
day
Punctuation problem
day,
show examples
 it gives its harvest. As the quote
says
Punctuation problem
says,
show examples
 "consistency is a key to success". It means that, if
people
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 start avoiding processed
food
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 and eat
more
Rephrase
apply
show examples
healthier
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food
Punctuation problem
food,
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 they stay healthier for longer. Given the chance for
individuals
Use synonyms
 to choose between junk
food
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 and super
Use synonyms
food
Add a comma
food,
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 they may still prefer junk
food
Use synonyms
thereby
Punctuation problem
, thereby
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 suffering from obesity or other
health
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 problems. In conclusion, there is an argument between
people
Use synonyms
 who think that the
government
Use synonyms
 should
care
Use synonyms
 about
Use synonyms
individuals
Check wording
individuals'
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health
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
diet
Punctuation problem
diet,
show examples
while
Linking Words
 others believe that humans have to worry for themselves. As governments have greater responsibility because they control systems.

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task response
Discuss both sides in a more even way. You talk more about your view than the other view.
task response
Make your opinion fully clear from start to end. Your last line says the government has greater responsibility, but earlier you support individuals more.
task response
Use clearer main ideas in each body paragraph. Start with one simple main point, then explain it.
task response
Add real and clear examples. This will make your ideas stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a smoother way. Some sentences jump too fast from one point to another.
coherence and cohesion
Do not use too many linkers like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' if the ideas are not fully balanced.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order. Put the main point first, then the reason, then the example.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one idea in one sentence when possible. This will make your writing easier to follow.
task response
You answer both parts of the question.
task response
You give your opinion clearly near the start.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words to guide the reader.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health-conscious decisions
  • self-discipline
  • informed choices
  • personal accountability
  • regulating food industries
  • implementing policies
  • healthy eating
  • public health campaigns
  • subsidies for healthy food
  • enabling environment
  • accessible
  • affordable
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