IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people use social media to keep in touch with other people and news events. Do you think advantage of technology outweigh the disadvantages

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It is often argued that some people believe that socialising with others and keeping updated information through online platforms, even it may affect the younger generation in many pessimistic ways. In my point of view, I strongly agree that the pros of modern technology outweigh the cons in the techno era. On the one hand, social media can optimise to keep tracking up-to-date information for
business issues prevention
Correct word order
the prevention of business issues
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.
This
Linking Words
 is because online associations in all industries are always available for venue owners, helping to avoid the bad influences and
also
Linking Words
 providing these bosses with great awareness of challenges that may occur to them.
Moreover
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, businesses can save up a huge amount of travelling fees to connect with guests ,
such
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 as petrol and especially
time
Correct article usage
the time
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 spent.
For example
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, ABC company are using e-commerce approaches to communicate with customers from the USA to Australia by email.
Therefore
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, they can avoid overspending on transportation, especially
due to
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 Iran and US war led to fuel price has gone up rapidly in recent months.
On the other hand
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, the only drawback of digital platforms is over-reliance on these conveniences from younger generations. If these kids always stay at home with e-communication methods, they may
lead to
Verb problem
develop
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 socialisation skills and even severe mental health disorders.
Due to
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 a lack of outdoor activities, the youngsters won't feel confident when they have to do a presentation in front of numerous audiences.
As a result
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, these shortcomings will affect our society heavily in the near future, as the majority of the upcoming workforces are missing the most essential tool to success in career development. In conclusion,
although
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 a lack of communication knowledge can affect some children, I firmly believe that digital advancements fairly outweight merely itself disadvantage.
Therefore
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, the government should carry out appropriate strategies not only to enhance social media systems but
also
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 to use technologies to advocate
children's
Change preposition
for children's
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 outdoor workouts.

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task response
Answer the question more directly in each body part. Say clearly why the good points are stronger than the bad points.
task response
Use ideas that are easy to follow. Some sentences are hard to understand because the meaning is not clear.
task response
Give examples that are more natural and more closely linked to social media and news.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main point start with a clear topic sentence. This helps the reader follow your plan.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, however, and as a result, but do not make sentences too long.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence connects well to the one before it. A few parts jump too fast from one idea to another.
task response
You clearly give your opinion in the introduction and keep the same view to the end.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic shape: introduction, two body parts, and conclusion.
task response
You include reasons and one example to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion matches the main idea of the essay.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • keep in touch
  • stay connected
  • social media platform
  • instant message
  • share updates
  • breaking news
  • real-time information
  • false information
  • fake news
  • trusted source
  • face-to-face communication
  • screen time
  • online pressure
  • daily life
  • low-cost communication
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