THE WORLD TODAY IS A SAFER PLACE THAN IT WAS A HUNDRED YEARS AGO, AND GOVERNMENT SHOULD STOP SPENDING LARGE AMOUNTS OF MONEY ON THEIR ARMED FORCES. To what extent do you agree
It is often believed that the
government
should reduce investment in armed forces due to
the improvement of safety in modern life from a hundred years ago. I partially agree with this
, for the general promotion of peace
around the world regardless of some deadly conflicts that still take place, making it important for the authorities to spend money
on armies for protection.
On the one hand, the larger amount of money
spent by the government
is no longer necessary with the increasing awareness toward peace
in current societies. In other words
, there are a number of acts to promote harmony and cooperation as people
come to accept their differences to respect each other. For instance
, an international festival called "nagomu" has been held in Kanagawa in Japan since 1998 to encourage people
to participate in traditional events where they can learn unique fashions as well as
cuisines of diverse cultures. Therefore
, the fact that many people
tend to regard national differences as something positive and stimulating through such
opportunities will reduce the role of militaries in the future.
On the other hand
, the government
is still expected to spend a large amount of money
to conquer the growing tensions between different nations. Indeed, there is a rising sense of insecurity as people
face numerous global issues which include the accelerating depletion of natural fuels and food resources as well as
the rising global temperatures and expansion of deserts. Furthermore
, these problems lead to the poverty of many people
and frequent international conflicts, causing more deaths and injuries. Thus
, the government
's ability to battle against other countries to protect the safety and peace
of the citizens should be well maintained, making the investment significant.
In conclusion, I somewhat agree that the incredible amount of money
for armies is not necessary as more people
have a shared view of peace
and cooperation. However
, the greater possibilities for war in the severe situations on Earth make the investment important.Submitted by mizuho on
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coherence cohesion
To further strengthen the essay, make sure all arguments consistently tie back to the main thesis. For instance, the discussion of global warming and desert expansion should more clearly explain how they directly correlate to the need for military spending.
task achievement
Make sure to elaborate on specific points with more depth. For example, detailing how the international festival in Japan leads to more significant peace beyond cultural understanding can provide stronger support for your argument.
coherence cohesion
Improve sentence variety and reduce wordiness in some areas to maintain clarity and reader engagement. For instance, instead of repeating 'large amount of money,' consider synonyms or rephrasing.
general positive
The essay is well-crafted and offers a balanced perspective, showcasing both sides of the argument effectively.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion effectively frame the discussion, making it easy to follow the main points.
task achievement
The use of specific examples, such as the 'nagomu' festival in Japan, enhances the argument and provides concrete support.