IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

THE WORLD TODAY IS A SAFER PLACE THAN IT WAS A HUNDRED YEARS AGO, AND GOVERNMENT SHOULD STOP SPENDING LARGE AMOUNTS OF MONEY ON THEIR ARMED FORCES. To what extent do you agree

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It is often believed that the
government
Use synonyms
 should reduce investment in armed forces
due to
Linking Words
 the improvement of safety in modern life from a hundred years ago. I partially agree with
this
Linking Words
, for the general promotion of
peace
Use synonyms
 around the world regardless of some deadly conflicts that still take place, making it important for the authorities to spend
money
Use synonyms
 on armies for protection. On the one hand, the larger amount of
money
Use synonyms
 spent by the
government
Use synonyms
 is no longer necessary with the increasing awareness toward
peace
Use synonyms
 in current societies.
In other words
Linking Words
, there are a number of acts to promote harmony and cooperation as
people
Use synonyms
 come to accept their differences to respect each other.
For instance
Linking Words
, an international festival called "nagomu" has been held in Kanagawa in Japan since 1998 to encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to participate in traditional events where they can learn unique fashions
as well as
Linking Words
 cuisines of diverse cultures.
Therefore
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, the fact that many
people
Use synonyms
 tend to regard national differences as something positive and stimulating through
such
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 opportunities will reduce the role of militaries in the future.
On the other hand
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, the
government
Use synonyms
 is still expected to spend a large amount of
money
Use synonyms
 to conquer the growing tensions between different nations. Indeed, there is a rising sense of insecurity as
people
Use synonyms
 face numerous global issues which include the accelerating depletion of natural fuels and food resources
as well as
Linking Words
 the rising global temperatures and expansion of deserts.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, these problems lead to the poverty of many
people
Use synonyms
 and frequent international conflicts, causing more deaths and injuries.
Thus
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, the
government
Use synonyms
's ability to battle against other countries to protect the safety and
peace
Use synonyms
 of the citizens should be well maintained, making the investment significant. In conclusion, I somewhat agree that the incredible amount of
money
Use synonyms
 for armies is not necessary as more
people
Use synonyms
 have a shared view of
peace
Use synonyms
 and cooperation.
However
Linking Words
, the greater possibilities for war in the severe situations on Earth make the investment important.

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coherence cohesion
To further strengthen the essay, make sure all arguments consistently tie back to the main thesis. For instance, the discussion of global warming and desert expansion should more clearly explain how they directly correlate to the need for military spending.
task achievement
Make sure to elaborate on specific points with more depth. For example, detailing how the international festival in Japan leads to more significant peace beyond cultural understanding can provide stronger support for your argument.
coherence cohesion
Improve sentence variety and reduce wordiness in some areas to maintain clarity and reader engagement. For instance, instead of repeating 'large amount of money,' consider synonyms or rephrasing.
general positive
The essay is well-crafted and offers a balanced perspective, showcasing both sides of the argument effectively.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion effectively frame the discussion, making it easy to follow the main points.
task achievement
The use of specific examples, such as the 'nagomu' festival in Japan, enhances the argument and provides concrete support.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • International Diplomacy
  • United Nations
  • pandemics
  • socioeconomic improvements
  • literacy rates
  • economic development
  • social stability
  • military expenditure
  • deterrent
  • cyber-attacks
  • terrorism
  • biological warfare
  • critical areas
  • well-rounded approach
  • prosperous society
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