IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In today’s world many people own a smartphone. Do you think the advantages of owning a smartphone outweigh the disadvantages?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Try for free →
It has been shown that nowadays, smartphones are one of the necessities in life for individuals. Personally, I believe that the benefits of having a mobile
phone
Use synonyms
 surpass the downsides of
this
Linking Words
 trend in terms of health problems. Despite the drawbacks below, having a mobile
phone
Use synonyms
 makes people’s lives way easier. The reason is that those who have smartphones are able to interface with others rapidly from anywhere through messaging applications rather than travelling to physical places for having simple conversations in person.
As a result
Linking Words
, conveniently communicating apps save up people’s
time
Use synonyms
 that can be used to do other productive stuff,
such
Linking Words
 as working, studying or some household activities, which allows people to focus on their important tasks.
Thus
Linking Words
, improving the
overall
Linking Words
time
Use synonyms
-consuming
.
Check wording
process.
show examples
For instance
Linking Words
, a vast majority of designers who are drafting plans to meet clients' needs, visiting customers' places each
time
Use synonyms
 for
re-editing
Punctuation problem
re-editing,
show examples
 are dramatically wasting
time
Use synonyms
 because of the travelling distances. Nowadays, they are able to hold virtual conferences with multiple clients in one meeting from anywhere they are
while
Linking Words
 using the full innovation of smartphones. Admittedly, having a mobile
phone
Use synonyms
 has minor detriments to mental health.
This
Linking Words
 is because relying on words too much can simply misunderstand of the true expression
,
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 meanings and lead to anxiety.
For instance
Linking Words
, bullying on social media is easily spread to anyone by just simple clicks , sending on a smartphone , which could be caused badly emotional damage, mentally and physically.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, teenagers are likely to use their mobile
phone
Use synonyms
 at all the
time
Use synonyms
 , which is distracting from doing productive activities.
Thus
Linking Words
, limiting
time
Use synonyms
 usage for them benefits both individuals , so that using multiple functions can reduce stress from work or study.
However
Linking Words
, it should have a strict
time
Use synonyms
 limit for using it. In conclusion, people may vary in their opinion about whether the advantages of
this
Linking Words
 trend outweigh the drawbacks,
while
Linking Words
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 am of the opinion that having a mobile
phone
Use synonyms
 benefits every individual’s personal life, which surpasses the drawbacks regarding mental well-being.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your main idea more direct. Say clearly in the first paragraph why the good points are stronger than the bad points.
task response
Explain your health point in a clearer way. Some lines are hard to follow, so the reader may not fully see your meaning.
task response
Use examples in a simpler and more exact way. The designer example is good, but it is too long and a bit unclear.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In your second body paragraph, you move from mental health to time limits, so the focus is not strong.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, however, and as a result. Some links now sound unnatural.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order. A few sentences do not connect well, so the flow becomes weak.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear opinion.
task response
You include both advantages and disadvantages, which helps make the response complete.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use examples to support your ideas.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: