IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case ? Do you think is a positive or a negative development?

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Spending
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of
time
Use synonyms
 on mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 is very dangerous for
children
Punctuation problem
children,
show examples
Linking Words
this would affect
Correct word choice
as it affects
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 their routine activities . In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
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 it is a negative development
although
Linking Words
,
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apply
show examples
 it will damage their ability skills
as well as
Linking Words
health
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.
Nowadays
Punctuation problem
Nowadays,
show examples
 it is a major issue that
Use synonyms
childrens
Check wording
children
show examples
 spend too much
time
Use synonyms
 on their smartphones
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is
very
Correct article usage
a very
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 concerning issue
parents
Punctuation problem
. Parents
show examples
 are
also
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 worried about their
Use synonyms
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
 because day by day
Linking Words
this
Punctuation problem
, this
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 problem
arising
Verb problem
is arising
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every
Punctuation problem
. Every
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 child has
smartphone
Correct article usage
a smartphone
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 in their hand
Correct pronoun usage
, which
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this
Linking Words
also
Linking Words
 leads to many serious problems
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
 eye sight weakness and mental
health
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.
Use synonyms
Childrens
Replace the word
Children
 are sitting in front of
phones
Use synonyms
 and playing games and scrolling
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 directly
damage
Correct subject-verb agreement
damages
show examples
 their
health
Use synonyms
 condition
everyday
Punctuation problem
. Every day,
show examples
 many cases arise
due to
Linking Words
 watching too much phone. It is
responsibility
Correct article usage
the responsibility
show examples
 of parents
that they must
Wrong verb form
to
show examples
 limit their social media hours for their
Use synonyms
childrens
Replace the word
children
 and involve them in outdoor activities
Linking Words
however
Punctuation problem
; however
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,
if
Change preposition
in
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many developed
countries
Punctuation problem
countries,
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 the government
put
Correct subject-verb agreement
puts
show examples
 restrictions
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 in many South Asian
countries
Punctuation problem
countries,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 disease of watching
phones
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 becoming common. On the otherhand
this
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 case
Verb problem
is
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becoming common because to feel relax parents give mobile
phones
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 to their
childrens
Use synonyms
 they
also
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 know the consequences
infact
Punctuation problem
. In fact,
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 by neglecting
this
Linking Words
Correct word order
, they also
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also
Linking Words
 they give
that
Change preposition
in to that
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all
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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. It is
also
Linking Words
 very concerning that for
temporary
Correct article usage
a temporary
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 it feels good
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 by the
time
Use synonyms
passes
Correct pronoun usage
it passes
show examples
Linking Words
this
Punctuation problem
, this
show examples
 would become
habit
Correct article usage
a habit
show examples
. Many
Use synonyms
childrens
Replace the word
children
 in
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
faces
Correct subject-verb agreement
face
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 mental distress like anxiety, stress and
also
Linking Words
 behaviour changes . Personally, I believe that
this
Linking Words
 is a negative development and has long lasting affects on
health
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 and in relationships .
Smart
Correct your spelling
Smartphones
phones
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 are made to ease the problems
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
actually
Add a comma
actually,
show examples
 it is becoming a permanent
promblem
Correct your spelling
problem
 for everyone .

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task response
Answer both parts more clearly: say why children use phones so much, and say why you think it is negative.
task response
Give one or two clear reasons, then explain each reason with a simple example.
task response
Stay on the main point. Do not repeat the same idea about health many times.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear paragraph order: intro, reasons, opinion, conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, because, for example, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Make each sentence complete. Some parts are hard to follow now.
task response
You gave a clear opinion that this is a negative development.
coherence and cohesion
You wrote an introduction and a conclusion.
task response
You stayed on the topic of children and smartphones.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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