IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that mobile phones must be banned in public places such as libraries, shops or public transport. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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Some individuals argue that the habit of using cell phones in certain public
place
Fix the agreement mistake
places
show examples
, including public transport, shops, libraries and so on need to be forbidden. I partially agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement, because when some individuals may be able to manage their cell phone properly,
such
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 as notification sound and calling conversation,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other
people
Use synonyms
 should not be disturbed.
To begin
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 with, nowadays
people
Use synonyms
 are consuming
gadget
Check wording
gadgets
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 frequently from the morning before getting
work
Change preposition
to work
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 until the night before
sleep
Wrong verb form
sleeping
show examples
. Some
people
Use synonyms
 often neglect the particular setting in their phone,
for
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instance
Punctuation problem
instance,
show examples
 the sound of
notification
Check wording
notifications
show examples
. When an individual
forget
Correct subject-verb agreement
forgets
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 to reduce or turn off the volume, the other
near
Correct word choice
nearby
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 person obviously feels disturbed.
For example
Linking Words
, in the morning as a starting working day in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public transport, most
people
Use synonyms
 often focus on their phone, checking the messages or
latest
Correct article usage
the latest
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 news.
Otherwise
Linking Words
, the other
part of
Check wording
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 need to
be
Verb problem
apply
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calm their
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 by hearing nothing.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the specific government law
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
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 to be assessed by managing their
smartpones
Correct your spelling
smartphones
 in public
places
Use synonyms
 to respect others.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, if mobile phones
have
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 already banned,
people
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 will deliberately miss the
information
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, which
sometimes
Verb problem
is sometimes
show examples
 notably important to them.
For instance
Linking Words
, the
information
Use synonyms
 about collaboration between two companies, the industry task that
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 to be
solve
Wrong verb form
solved
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 soon, or the news that has
potential
Correct article usage
a potential
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 effect
to
Change preposition
on
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 their company. By getting
information
Use synonyms
 rapidly,
people
Use synonyms
 may obviously prevent the negative effect of their
bussiness
Correct your spelling
business
 or career.
This
Linking Words
 is
also
Linking Words
 able to prevent the industry
bankrupt
Replace the word
bankruptcy
 that directly affect to workers. In conclusion, using
smartphone
Check wording
smartphones
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
places
Use synonyms
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 to be attention by issued the goverment law in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
places
Use synonyms
.
Otherwise
Linking Words
,
due to
Linking Words
 the smartphone
remains
Wrong verb form
remaining
show examples
 important as
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
information
Use synonyms
 source, consuming smartphone in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
places
Use synonyms
still
Verb problem
is still
show examples
 permitted but limited in order to respect
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other
people
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Make your main view more clear from the start. Say if you mostly agree or mostly disagree, and keep this view the same in all parts.
task response
Answer all parts of the question in a direct way. Talk more about why phones should or should not be banned in each place named in the task.
task response
Use examples that are more real and easy to follow. Some examples in your essay are too broad, so they do not fully support your point.
coherence and cohesion
Put your ideas in a clearer order. Some lines are hard to follow because the link from one sentence to the next is weak.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words well, like first, also, however, and so. This will help the reader move through your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph focus on one main point, then explain it step by step.
task response
You give a clear topic in the introduction and show that you partly agree.
task response
You include both sides of the topic, which is good for a partial-agree answer.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a basic 4-part shape: introduction, 2 body parts, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use examples to support your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Distraction
  • Etiquette
  • Tranquility
  • Prohibit
  • Intrusive
  • Courtesy
  • Essential communication
  • Public decorum
  • Designated areas
  • Safety concerns
  • Noise pollution
  • Digital etiquette
  • Enforcement measures
  • Civic responsibility
  • Silent mode
  • Connectivity
  • Invasiveness
  • Social norms
  • Policy implementation
  • Moderation
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